what to do?

what to do? dont know what to do anymore. My life has falling apart my family is destroyed. my daughter put through so much. is she is pain? i hope not. no one can tell. when she gets old she will be in pain because her parents made a mistake by marrying. i love my daughter i love my husband but not to strong anymore. scared to leave, too scared to stay. Kayla put through to much. doesnt need anymore hurtfull feelings. dont want her to think it will be her fault. all we yell about is whos chores are whos. i do so much i cant take so much i need so much help. I offered marraige couseling he thinks im crazy, does he really wanna stay. he tells me hell die if he woke up without us here so then why stay so emotionally near. Never says i love you never make me feel romanced and never tells me what he is really feeling. i tell him he is going to lose the 2 most important people in his life and seems not to care. what to do? i love him so i hate him so. Kayla loves him as well. I dont want my daughter to suffer but shell suffer if we will stay. theres nothing but yelling in the day,noon,and night. All she knows with us is yell. I want to do whats best for kayla. he says leave hes says go he says i can careless. He tells me i make him misrable but atleast i am a good mother. I might need some work at my wife skills but im 24 what else is there but for me to learn. My life changed when my daughter was born sick. sick or not i love my kayla. i would never trade her in for the world. would he? would he have choosen to give up at birth or to have me to have a termination if he knew she was going to be so severly sick. Things i think about everyday. My daughter looks at him at smiles out of love. He smiles back out of fake. as i lie on the couch almost everynight i think what to do? this is no life but whats life without a family, without my husband, without a father to my beautiful daughter. I dont want a part time father. I want a full time god damit. If i am able to love her no matter what why cant everyone else. why must everyone look at her different just because she has oxygen like she is a freak. Is that why he is running about. I have no answer anymore i thought i knew my life but i have no idea what anything is anymore. I cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant even think anymore. i am fading away to nothing. to nobody. i just sit here and think what to do?

[TaniaSmythe]

Kerri, you sound so desperate. From reading your post all i can say is do what is right for you and Kayla and deep down i think you will know the answer.
I hope life improves for you soon and i am truly sorry to hear how rough you have had it lately.

[DanielleKessner]

Oh Kerri, my heart breaks for you. I think you really need to go and talk to a counselor. You don't both have to go together to a marriage counselor (obviously it would be better but it is not necessary). You really need to work out what is best for you. Kayla needs you to be happy and healthy! A therapist can help you sort through all the confusion and make a decision that will be best. Sometimes people run so far the other way when a baby is sick. It is not always because they don't care - often it is because they are so scared and feel so useless. Dad's are 'suppose' to protect their families. When a baby is born with CDH they have no control and can't protect their child from all the pain - it kills them inside! I am not saying that his behaviour is OK but there is quite possibly a very real reason behind it. I wish I could make it all better for you. Hugs!

[Damon andSharonknott]

Kerri,
Danielle's advice is really good!
I wish I could take the pain away!
Thinking of you and hope you have peace soon..
big hugs
Shaz xxx

[Dawn Torrence Ireland]

(((((((((((((((((((((( Kerri )))))))))))))))))))) I agree with everything Danielle said, she gave you some great advice. I was in your shoes once... my heart breaks for you reading this. I don't know if it's spring fever or what, but it seems a lot of our young couples here are going through a lot of marriage issues and hubby's who seem totally disconnected. What can we do to help you? Do you think it would help him to talk to another dad? Definitely please do start counseling, for you and Kayla. If you need to talk, we're here, all of us. Vent, cry, talk, whatever you need to do and we're here with shoulders and ears for you. You're part of our CHERUBS family... you're not alone in this!

[KimberlyRichards]

Kerri,

My thoughts and prayers are with you! I agree with Danielle. Talk to a counselor even if your hubby doesn't want to go. You can go. Sometimes
it's easier to talk to someone who is disconnected from the situation and
will not jugde you for anything you say. It is a safe evironment and may help give you some stength when you feel you have none.

Dawn's right you are not alone. This year willbe me and my hubby's 10 year anniversary---if we make it. We are having our own marital issues.
My two non cdh kids are healthy and the situation is still very upsetting and stressful and the kids still see and feel that stress. We are here for
you!

Wishing you the best!!

[DanielleGolding]

Thinking of you Kerri during this awful time you are having. I agree that you need to talk to someone who can be objective. I'm glad you can get your feelings out here, I think that it helps a little...

Thinking of you also Kimberly, I hope everything works out....marriage can definitely be hard work at times!

[Barbara and KevinWagner]

Oh Kerri I am so sorry that you are going thru this. Marriage IS hard work!! I have been married for 17 years and there were rough spots! especially right after Logan was born. My hubby and I actually seperated 2 weeks before Log came home. CDH by itself is hard on a marriage as we girls can show our emotions.....guys are raised not too. I have the same advice for you as Danielle and everyone else......try to find a counselor. Even if your hubby will not go it will help you! You will have a "clearer" picture of what will make you happy. You might even gain some insight on how to help him thru the grieving process that goes along with CDH.

Please keep us updated and also know that you are in our hearts and we are alwyas here for you.

Barb

[AmyMiles]

Kerri

It hurts me to see you so torn. All these ladies have given you such great advice. I agree on trying to find a counselor. If you go to church, they sometimes have people who can help you through tough times or you could even meet with the pastor if you feel comfortable.

I got married when I was 22. It is a lot of work. Right now I have to remind myself to ask about how he is feeling. Sometimes men won't tell you but other times they wish you would ask.

It could be that losing the two of you is his biggest fear and may not be sure how to show you how much he really cares. I hope that you are able to connect with a counselor.

Don't be afraid to chat with us here! We are all here with/for you.

[Corin Nava]

Kerri- I am so sorry you are going through all this. I agree with everyone, I would go see a counselor even if its by yourself. I went to one for a bit and it can really be helpful to sort feelings out. I was 20 when I got married...marriage is hard work and having a child with cdh can add so much stress to it! I know you work very hard to care for Kayla-you are amazing! Even through the pain and all that she has been through-she knows love and happiness through you, it shows through her smile, and you have said before that makes it worth it!

Please feel free to call me when ever you want to talk! 401-524-9182
If you don't have free long distance and want to talk, let me know and I will call you! I am always here for you-just like everyone else here!

[StephanieOlivarez]

Kerri-
YOU have to do what your heart tells you.
I too think you going to see a counselor is a great idea.
You may find some peace and then you will know how to deal with all you are going through.
I wish I could take away the pain and make things right.
Please know you are not in this alone. We are here for you every step of the way. Come to us whenever you need to and we will offer you love and support and help you through.
Sending BIG hugs and positive thoughts.

Kayla--knows her Mommy loves her and you are doing SUCH A GREAT JOB!!! When you smile at her--she knows you will go to no end to protect her and take care of her and to love her.
You show this everyday to Kayla.


Kimberly--Thinking of you at this time. Sending positive thoughts.
Know that we are here for you also.

thank you all for your support. it took me so long to answer due to Kayla being in the hospital again since memorial day. we are expected to go back to the hospital for surgery in about 2 weeks for a G tube placement. i know its so tough marriage. It even harder when you have a sick baby. My husband and i did alot of talking this past week being stuck in the hospital. he didnt even relize how misreable he was making me. He said the same thing that he just gets so stress out because he is afraid for something to happen to Kayla. I know he adores her but sometimes he gets me so mad. i know he loves us both dearly but sometimes love isnt everything. you really got to act on your love and not think just saying i love you is enough cause its not anymore.

[AmyMiles]

I am glad that you were able to talk things over. I hope that Kayla is doing well. Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.

[StephanieOlivarez]

I am so sorry to hear that Kayla was in the hospital.
Is she doing better today?
I am happy to hear that you and your husband talked and I wish you both nothing but the best.
When is Kayla's g-tube surgery?
I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Please let us know how Kayla is and know that we are here for you.
Will be thinking of you when Kayla has her g-tube surgery.
BIG HUGS!!!!!!!

[Damon andSharonknott]

Kerri,
I'm sorry Kayla has been back to hospital! How's is she going now?
I'm glad you and your hubby had a chance to talk! It's a start..
I will be thinking of you and Kayla when she has her g-tube surgery
My thoughts are prayers are with you and Kayla..

[MelissaKelly]

I'm sorry Kayla needs another surgery, but to be honest, I love the g-tube. It makes life SO much easier.

I'm very glad you and your husband had a good talk, communication is key especially when you're juggling a marriage and a sick child. Hopefully you three will come out of all of this stronger.

Best of luck with the surgery, keep us posted!