JadeHunt

Good Morning, My Gorgeous Angel!

I'm sorry for not writing yesterday. I don't know why I insist on apologizing because I talk to you all the time, so we never lose touch. I find great comfort in writing to you every day! It helps me to feel closer to you! I thank God for my friend, Suzanne for suggesting writing to you daily, just as she did when with her son when he passed away. It has been very therapeutic for me and gives me time to process my thoughts and feelings. It's easier to cope when I can see what I'm feeling written on paper. Often times, I am thinking four thousand different things and I can't determine what's up and what's down.

I am still a bit floored at this sense of calm and peace that I have been feeling. I haven't taken one of my anti-depressants in about 2 weeks and I haven't noticed a difference in my demeanor. I asked your Daddy what he thought, and he thought I had been taking my meds per my usual routine. I think you are sending me a sign. Maybe it's time to meet with my doctor and discuss coming off one of the anti-depressants. What do you think, Liam? I trust your judgement way better than my own!

Liam, I cannot express how proud you make me. I look at your pictures, clothes, blankies, hand and foot prints, and despite how devastated I am that you are gone, I in awe of the fact that God blessed us with you. Some people live a lifetime without having children and never know what that great love feels like- it's a love that is unparalleled to any other.

Geez... listen to me! I am not the same woman a was even a month ago. How is it that I am regaining my faith? How is it that I am able to speak out and help others? How is it that, despite my many breakdowns and tears, I can still see how blessed I am. I couldn't do that even a month ago. I hated the world and most people in it. I was bitter and angry. I am still bitter, more often than I'd like to admit, and I do get angry and fly off the handle, but these occurances are decreasing in frequency. I still ask, "Why?" and always will. I will never be whole again and nothing will ever be the same or even close to the way it once was. But, despite all this, I feel peace; I smile and laugh; I cry every day, but am able to put a more positive spin on our journey. I remember, not to long ago, I asked you and God to help the vivid, heartwrenching memories to "back off" a bit. Those memories were so incredibly vivid- so vivid I felt emotionally, mentally, and physically in pain. The pain is seeming to lessen and become less frequent. Are you sending me another sign? Both you and God seem to work in very mysterious ways, My Dear Liam! You are an amazing little boy!

God Bless You, Liam Anthony! I love you with all my heart and soul! You are My Perfect Angel!

With Endless Love and Great Pride,
Momma
XOXOOOD