Today I am feeling so low,well if I am honest its been going on for weeks now. I can't seem to pull myself out of this at the moment. I just miss Joel so much.
I wrote this poem last year,its on Joels site, when I kept having people telling me I should be 'getting over'this.I hoped they might take note of some of the things I was trying to explain to them. No one knows what this is like apart from all of us who have been down this path.
I also get lots of comments such as oh well you have five others. Well yes I am extremely lucky having my children here with me but that doesn't mean I miss Joel any less.I still feel the same pain from losing a child No one can take his place ever. I miss him every minute of everyday. Thank you for listening,it does help to talk about this to people who do understand. I just wish none of us knew the pain,devastation and heartbreak CDH causes.

I can and I can’t

I can tell you the wonderful feeling you have when you are told at the scan that everything looks good.
I can’t explain to you the hopeless feeling you have when you are told your beautiful baby has a life threatening defect

I can tell you how motivated you are to do everything you can to ensure your baby is born well
I can’t explain to you the feeling of hopelessness you have when you know whatever you do it isn’t going to help your unborn child

I can tell you how wonderful it is to be pregnant, feel your baby moving and to be able to talk about your baby
I can’t explain to you how hard it is to be pregnant and know that the minute your baby is born he will be fighting for his life

I can tell you how exciting it is to be able to shop and nest ready for your newborn
I can’t explain to you how hard it is being pregnant and being to afraid to buy anything in case your baby dies

I can tell you how exciting it is to pack your baby’s bag for when he arrives
I can’t explain to you how difficult it is to wash and pack an outfit, knowing you may be dressing your baby in it after he has died

I can tell you how wonderful the sound of your newborns cry is
I can’t explain to you how devastating it is when your baby is born but is unable to cry or breathe on his own

I can tell you how wonderful it is to see your newborn look at you
I can’t explain how heartbreaking it is to only once see your little newborn look at you

I can tell you how wonderful it is to hold your newborn immediately after birth and snuggle them close to you
I can’t explain to you how broken you feel when the first cuddle you have with your newborn is as he is dying in your arms

I can tell you how wonderful it is to tell your newborn you love them
I can’t tell you how heartbreaking it is to tell them you love them but understand if they can’t fight anymore

I can tell you how wonderful that first baby bath is
I can’t explain to you how hard it is when the first bath is also the last bath and your baby has already left you

I can tell you how wonderful it is every time you hold your new baby
I can’t explain to you what it feels like to hold an angel in your arms

I can tell you how proud you feel when you walk out of the hospital with your new baby
I can’t explain to you what it feels like to leave your baby there and walk out with no more than the cases you arrived with

I can tell you how proud you feel when you go to register your baby’s birth.
I can’t explain to you how it feels when you register his death at the same time

I can tell you how wonderful it is to sit and plan your life with your child
I can’t explain how it feels when that lifetime is through after just 17 hours 48 minutes

I can tell you how wonderful it is when you receive all the new baby cards
I can’t explain how it feels to get bereavement cards instead

I can tell you how exciting it is to plan a christening
I can’t explain to you how hard it is when days after giving birth you have to plan a funeral

I can tell you how wonderful it is spending your days with your baby
I can’t explain how it feels going to the cemetery to see your son

I can tell you how great it feels buying things for your child
I can’t explain how it feels walking past clothes imagining what they would look like dressed in them

I can tell you how wonderful it is seeing all your baby’s firsts
I can’t explain how it feels to only be able to imagine them

I can tell you how great it is telling people how many children you have
I can’t explain to you the terrible guilt you feel if you don’t include your angel

I can tell you how proud you feel writing all your children’s names on cards and things
I can’t explain to you how difficult it is to find a way to include your angel child without people raising their eyebrows

I can tell you how great it is to look at your children’s photos
I can’t explain to you how hard it is when you know the ones of your angel will never change

I can tell you about all the funny things my children have done
I can’t explain how it feels when the only memories I have of my baby are of him fighting for his life

I can tell you the fun you have arranging your child’s birthday celebrations
I can’t explain how hard it is to plan your baby’s birthday and angel day

I can tell you how wonderful it is to be able to talk about your child
I can’t explain how much it hurts when people feel uncomfortable and change the subject

I can explain how much you miss your child when they are away for a day or two
I can’t explain the feeling you have when your child is never coming back

I can tell you how much joy you feel in looking after your child and keeping them safe
I can’t explain how it feels to only be able to hope and pray God is looking after your baby for you

I can tell you how overwhelmingly I love all my children including Joel
I can’t explain to you how overwhelming this hole in my heart is

Love Debbiexxxxxx

Today David and I along with Joshua,Jacob and Ben went to a small theme park here in the uk. We were given tickets by cherubs uk who had been lucky enough to recieve them as part of the theme park's charity weekend. We had a lovely day and towards the end I went to buy Joel a new windmill from the gift shop.Joel was the reson we were there as it was because of him we belong to cherubs. While I was in the shop,the music changed and started playing Joels song 'you'll be in my heart' which we had played at his funeral and its also the tune on his video on his website. I might be silly but I like to think this is a sign from Joel,it seemed too much of a co incidence. It certainly made our day

Lots of love Debbiexxxxxx

We buried Dick on saturday,a nice spot under a tree in the garden. It was sad to see the children so upset and it puts me off getting another guinea pig but the remaining one may get lonely and the farm have said we can have another.So tomorrow we are going to choose another.

My parents are on a month long cruise to the usa. It was a gift to themselves on celebrating their golden wedding. I hope they have a fantastic time.
Debbiexxxxxx

Well today is not a happy day here. Jacob and Joshua have two new guinea pigs. They have had them for 3 weeks. Jacob has been the one doing most of the caring for them. This morning when he went to uncover them,he found 'Dick' curled up in the corner. Dick had died in the night. Jacob is so distressed and demanded we take him to the vets just incase we had got it wrong although there really was no doubt. Dick is now in a little box waiting for David to come home and bury him in our garden. Its so hard seeing your child upset like this. Jacob said to me 'its just not fair babys aren't meant to die' How often has that thought gone through my head? Josh is still at school and I have to tell him when he gets home. This week has been very difficult here,heres hoping for a better one next week

Lots of love Debbiexxxxxx

Hi

Well I have started this blog but I am very confused about how this all works. I am not very technically minded but like to have a go. I am so happy to be part of this,without cherubs I wouldn't have met all the wonderful friends I have made in the last 18 months. These friends got me through my pregnancy and were also there for me when Joel left us. Thank you everyone. Once I get the hang of all this I will update more

Lots of love Debbiexxxxxx