So, a look back it seems like yesterday but just 2 months & 5 days later I look at where we are & what has changed. To be quite honest with you I can't even begin to measure "how much" has changed. For some they see where I'm at & they say "Wow, I hope you aren't stuck in this mess" and others would say "We are so proud of you. You have overcome so much & give me inspiration & show me a mother's love for her child". So, the response depends on who you talk to. One thing I can tell you is that I have learned NOT to really care what anyone thinks or says because every individual heals in their own manner & time. I don't know how that process will take course in me or my husband yet, but I HAVE learned that the ONLY one I can count on 200% is our good Lord, & then my amazing husband! Anyways, back to what has changed. I since have been able to move on with out a major hysterical break down & that in itself is a HUGE improvement! I can barely handle hearing babies crying at the stores & oh, I'm a God mother! My best friend & sister Janaya has since found out since Silas' passing that she is pregnant! I'm not gonna lie I had to tell her that I'm honored & I'm here for her, BUT she has to be patient & understanding of the fact that I may not always be happy or want to go baby shopping with her or I may just out of no where start crying, & I couldn't make any promises as how I will or can cope but that I was here for her.. We had Silas' memorial, & I've got his ashes home with us. Yaaaay!! I got to see my beautiful & amazing girls at the memorial & Lord was that a blessing in itself.

(This is may girls, niece, husband & myself letting go of a balloon for Silas which we all wrote our prayers on.)

I thought that having the memorial would make me feel better, but honestly I found out the hard way that actually it created more pain than ever before!!! Once that went buy (lasted for about 3-4 days) I started to heal and feel like things were getting back to normal life as possible (whatever normal is..)

I have since finished filling out the research study programs for CDH and need to mail them in this week. My husband had since been laid off since beginning of Nov. So, we have both been actively looking for work and I today have locked down a position with a small company that will give decent pay when it goes FT & a flexible schedule. Eli is still looking for work and hopes to get enrolled in to trucking school so that he can get great benefits & see the south east region so we can find out exactly where we will buy a house in the future, Florida doesn't have much left here. My oldest will be 18 in a couple of years and will go to college (hopefully UF to be a Vet) & the school system here sucks! I miss the change in the land (valleys & mountains). Don't know that isn't for a few years like 3-4. Until then he just need dependable work. I still haven't had a chance to write all my thank you's but I will, in due time.

Today: Applied for a job & got a trial period for a few days as a secretary. So, I have to knock them dead when I get there and show them what I got! I'm excited yet nervous as it has been since June I haven't worked. If all goes well it'll become FT in a few weeks with decent pay & I can work from home once I learn exactly what they want me to do. On another note not to long after that I got a call from the genetics counselor and he has received a copy of Silas' autopsy report. We have an appointment for this Wed. 8 a.m. I did get a chance to pic his brain for a second. I asked him if the findings of the report has found VATERS/VACTERL's. He told me no, so I asked him if it was FRYNS like he thought to begin with. Then he said to me that the findings do NOT show ANY conclusive findings, but that from what the report says they are leaning towards FRYNS & we need to test further. So, till Wed. I'm stuck on chuck!.. lol

Other than that the only other thing is that I have decided that I want to open a charity to help families of Cherubs that pass with providing basic household, hygiene & groceries for one month. One delivery for the family each week for 4 weeks. I need to find extreme couponers to help. I wanted to name it Silas' Supper or Supper from Silas, but now I like Feed the Cherubs not sure anyone have any suggestions. Here is our NEW websites you can follow:
http://silasroach.blogspot.com/
& http://silasroach.shutterfly.com/

Posted on October 10, 2011

O.K. so here I go after my son passing one week ago on Fri. Sept. 23, 2011 I THINK I am ready to take the time to place the end of his story down in black & white.. I cant make any promises but here goes.. It's been a while since I last wrote on here. I mean really there was no real reason to have to write. However, there is now a whole lot to say to the world! On Mon. Sept. 19, 2011 I thought that my water had broken as I was riding to the store I was gona literally for 5 minutes to our destination & back home. Anyways, when I got up her car seat was wet & there was NO way I sweated that much in 5 mins time. So, here we go my sister Janaya & I at first panicked and I called everyone I could think of that could tell me whether it was time to go or not.. As I did that my sister calmed and tried her best to stop me from panicking. I showered, as she packed a bag & we called my mom & husband & off we went to the hosp. Come to find out they released me with the explaination that Silas my dear loving son whom seemed to have a sense of humor decided to sit on my bladder and unbenounced to me I basically peed on myself!! LOL Might I say how embarrassed I was! So, with that I went home releaved as I was only 35 wks & Silas needed to be inside longer to allow his lungs to grow bigger! I was however told that I was 1cm dialated but not to worry because women who have had other children usually are always around that so it was normal. What a relief I must say.. I then went on with my week until Thur Sept 22, 2011 I had another Dr. appt and so I went. I told them about the hosp visit on Mon. & then I asked them to check my cervix so they did so I was 3cm & fully thick which "most" women can be like that for weeks because as long as my cervix was "thick" there was nothing to be wrorried about, but to be caucious & watch what I do.. Stay off my feet accept to pee & bathe. They attached me to the NST machine & said heartbeat looked great & no contractions.. So I was to return next week w/the orders that between now & then I was to get my last set of labs done. I went home and went to rest because I was tired. Well, needless to say I never made it to sleep because a very uncomfortable pain in my lowerback & lower abdomen. I waited till my husband got home & mentioned to him that I was VERY uncomfortable... He asked me to call someone so I called my mother & a couple other people till I realized that it was just getting worse so I went. Here we go again, I hoped this was a false alarm again.... Well, boys & girls it wasnt.. I planned on doing this birth all natural with just local anestetics for an epidural if I needed one. The same way I did both of my girls.. I also needed to get this borth on film just in case because this may be the forst & last time to see my son alive & as much as I prayed & hoped that he would pull through as I am my sons biggest advocate as you all know. So last minute by the grace of God I had 3 photographers numbers in my phone & 1 I reached & came through for me... Thank you Alison of Alison Waring Photography you are forever in my heart for what you have done for us.. So the rest of the story is best read on her blog from an outsiders view looking in & maybe in a couple days I will be strong enough to update again with the story after she left, but right now I'm still struggling the loss of our Silas & so I cant in my mind rehash right now the moments after where he took his last breath in my arms & the day after where I couldnt let go of my sons body & held him as close as I could.. I want to thank all of you that have sent your condolences, donations, gifts, cards, ect..

Please see the story of Silas' birth at Alison Waring Photography

SO TODAY WE HAD A SCARE AS I THOUGHT THAT SILAS HAD GIVEN UP ON US! THERE HAD BEEN NO MOVEMENT SINCE 11:30PM THE NIGHT BEFORE & IT WAS 2:43PM WHEN I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO CALL THE DOCTOR. THEY SAID THAT I SHOULD GO RIGHT TO THE HOSP. I DID JUST THAT AND I GUESS HE WAS JUST RELAXING CAUSE THE MOMENT THEY STRAPPED THE FETAL HEART/CONTRACTION MONITOR TO ME HE WENT CRAZY... MADE ME LOOK LIKE I WAS A LIAR TO THE DOCTORS & NURSES BUT GUESS WHAT THAT IS JUST A- O.K. W/ME CAUSE ID RATHER BE A LIAR WITH A LIVE SON THAN RIGHT & HAVE TO BEGIN MY GRIEVING!! SO YAY THAT JEHOVAH!!!!

So, Fri I had labs done... 9 tubes of blood later & an arm that looks like Im a junky cause on the last tube of blood my arm decided to stop pumping blood so the nurse tried to adjust it but had to pull it out & stab me again with the needle & even then my blood wasnt movin too quick! Now yesterday I went to Winnie Palmer Hosp for mt echo cardiogram. I got some sonogram pics which have already been added to my pregnancy album on here & they said the best news Ive heard since they diagnosed Silas.. HIS HEART IS STRONG & NORMAL & FUNCTIONS PROPERLY (although it IS on the right side of the chest due to the CDH). That came with a sweet sorrow though, the news that there is almost NO amniotic fluid in with Silas. Why is this bad? Well, CDH crushes the lungs so that they cant develope & the lungs grow from the baby taking in the fluid. With almost NO fluid I dont expect to get a good report from the MRI results for the lung developement!! We talked about ALL the options. We can inject saline into the amniotic sac to add fluid to whats there, but that is very dangerous for Silas. Then we talked about in womb fetal surgery to help him out to move the intestines to give his lungs room to grow before he is born, but he isnt eligible due to his other anomalies making it too risky, & then there is giving me steriods but apparently that doesnt get done till right before his due date Oct. 18, 2011. So ALL those options were NO accept the steroids.. BUT thats later on in pregnancy.. Then I went across the street to Arnold Palmer Hosp & hours after my SCHEDULED appt. I finally got in and let me tell you they put me on the sliding bed that geos into the MRI machine just like they would any of you BUT they palced a thing over my stomach that would take the pics of Silas. They then rolled us into the MRI machine & it began....... It was so surreal, loaying there the machine started to make this loud banging noise that it always does but thats when it hit me.... Silas absolutely HATED that noise and the thing on my stomach. Because there is barely any fluid in with him he can feel every touch. he was kickin this belt hard trying to get it away for sure whenever the loud noise would start he would kick harder & movelike crazy. He moved more & harder in this hours time than my whole pregancy!! He hated that noise & pressure on his home he wanted it all to stop. Thats when I could help but silently cry when I was tucked in that machine. I realized that my blessed son is VERY sick & although I never forget I always try to think as though it can & will all be fixed no big deal & everything will be ok. It came back to me though that just isnt the case & as much as he hated this I had to do this for him because being his mother I have to do everything I can to save his life. I also realized how helpless I felt though because reality is this: I have no answers, the doctors have no answers & without those its kinda a crap shoot for the best outcome & that wont start till he is here with us, but honestly guys that could very well be TO LATE!!.. Im his mother & Im supposed to be able to make everything better & fix all his boo-boo's well this time I cant. BUT then I thought that if he is fighting that hard over this MRI then I KNOW he is a fighter & that will get him through Jehovah willing... So that is where we are now.. Im building a website & a blog for family & friends to follow & to help the wonderful family we have made at CHERUBS (a non-profit org for babies born w/CDH) gain awareness & donations to help other families like us. So when that is done Ill post the link here so that each and everyone of you can help our family help other families by spreading the word about the website which will tell the story from Silas' point of view.. lol I thought no one wants to hear from boring old me, however a from Silas' point of view would be fun to write & interesting to read.. Till nxt time I have an update family & friends.. Nxt appt is Aug. 11! I should get the results from MRI scan & I should be getting a call from a NEW specialist DR that just joined Winnie Palmer Hosp. a month ago.. They asked my permission to review my file with this new Dr & I said YES to that, so they will be calling me to have a meeting scheduled with him & other Dr's & nurses that will be Silas' "Dream Team" so to speak!

So the fetal Echo cardiogram will be on the 1st of the month at Winnie Palmer & the fetal MRI right after that across the street at Arnold Palmer. I also talked to my genetics counselor about whether Dr Greenbaum had a chance to review the sonograms that I gave them from Florida Hospital ER on Underhill and he did get them and said that they confirm the diviated anus and there didnt seem to be anything that he saw that was worse but the sonograms werent very clear either.. I have lab work Fri for my gestational diabetes & some other tests as well...

So had an appointment today at the high risk clinic & we have chosen Oct. 18, 2011 to induce labor if I make it that far. I have to fast tonight & do my standard 2nd trimester testing, diabetes testing, ect. BUT I have also been reffered to get a fetal echocardiogram & fetal MRI as well. As of now Im due to give birth through natural labor, but Silas will need to be intibated right away to breath so with all the problems we may want to chance to c-section but we are gonna wait till we get the results back from the MRI to see what that tells us!

7/18/2011
ANOTHER UPDATE:
Today our genetic counselor (Dan) called & he said our MicroRay test came back NORMAL.. 3rd test & ALL are normal. Which if our son has a syndrome we expected. I have been doing a bunch of research trying to see which syndrome covers most of Silas' symptoms & I found this: VACTERL ASSOCIATION.

http://emedicine.medscape.com/articl...erview#showall

This is considered a "rare disease" (actual statistics are so few that they are unkown). VACTERL is broken up into symptom categories normally associated with VACTERL & stands for the following:
V - Vertebral anomalies (unsure if Silas has)
A - Anal atresia (Silas has)
C - Cardiovascular anomalies (unknown if Silas has till birth)
T - Tracheoesophageal fistula (DONT think Silas has)
E - Esophageal atresia (Silas has)
R - Renal (Kidney) and/or radial anomalies (Silas has)
L - Limb defects (Silas has)
Then I started to YouTube VACTERL to see exactly what children with VACTERL's quality of life would be. I found this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WncwN...eature=related

after further research I also noted that CDH & VACTERL can be & have been seen together!!! Of course we wont know for sure until Silas is born BUT I have HOPE even more now than ever! It will be a LOOOOOOOOONG road to travel but if Silas hangs in there so will we and he can grow up as close to normal as surgeries can get him. Which is pretty damn close!

ok to all my family & friends: Im going to try to explain what is going on as you may have figured out something is wrong with our unborn child! 1st let me say the good news: ITS A BOY!!!!! Silas Samuel Forsyth Roach . So our baby boy is fighting for his life! He has been diagnosed with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH). He also has missing radius bones in both his arms & possibly clubbed hands. He either has no stomach or a ruptured espogus, 1 kidney & a diviated anus as well as an underdeveloped cerebellum. None of these things are from anything we have done but just horrible flukes that may or may not come along with this condition. So Silas is fighting for his life & we are consumed with every waking moment trying to fight for him too. We need all the prayers we can get as there are power in numbers!
UPDATE:
My husband & I have been going to Winnie Palmer Hospital for further testing and results on our son. I have also been transfered to the HIGH RISK CLINIC. We have had 2 tests on our Silas' Chromosomes & they have both come back normal. We are waiting on a test now called the MicroRay test which takes 2-3 wks so any day now the results should come in. Either it will give us answers or come back normal. If it comes back normal then Eli & I will both have blood drawn to test our DNA to look for a resessive gene that we both may have passed down to Silas'. If the tests come back normal then we will have to wait to see if Silas makes it to term & if he does so then he will be evaluated to see what syndrome he may have. The ones that they believe he may have are so rare that they are 1:200,000 babies are born with these syndromes. So as of now we still have no answers accetp that he DOES have CDH severly & possibly a very a rare syndrome. Every day Silas kicks harder and gives us all the signs that he isnt giving up so neither are we!!!