Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, love and support. Yesterday started out rough as it always does. Every year I cannot erase the memory of Amanda looking me in the eye as she took her last breath @ 0701 am in the living room, what seemed like CPR forever then the chaos of police and medical personnel that followed. I remember as EMS was lining her up and intubating her telling her to keep going. I knew she was without oxygen way too long and I could not bear the thought of her suffering any longer. As painful as it still is without her, I will never regret letting her go. I am so grateful to have had a true angel in my life. All that knew her saw her beautiful soul in those deep gray eyes. Forever Amanda you will be in my heart and part of my soul...

Today was so strange. I woke up this morning @ 0500 as usual. My door was open allowing the very cool crisp fall air in. Out of nowhere I suddenly felt so different. All day I could not shake the feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin. I kept telling myself oh it must be there are 5 extra family members in my house and I feel crowded, or maybe work is just catching up to me. Then as I sat on my deck this afternoon a gust of wind blew and that same old familiar feeling finally made sense. Every year it seems I get caught off guard with my "subconcious grieving". This time of year always reminds me of Amanda and Nicholas. I just laid there and allowed my mind to go where it needed to go. It is so amazing Amanda will be 14 yrs old and Nicholas will be 12 years old on November 6. My precious innocent babies are now teenagers. It is so hard to imagine what there life is like now. Are they as happy and healthy as I always pictured? Do they know how much I love them and still miss everything about them. In so many ways I feel I have lived 2 different lifetimes. The sad years of losing Amanda & Nicholas and now the happy years I spend with Stephen and Michaela. One thing I have learned is to accept that this is a lifetime journey without prediction. Sometimes I can feel them and smell them as newborns and my heart just aches for them. I wish all four of my children could be together. Most times I can think of them and just smile because I am so lucky to have had them in my life. I learned so much about life through their eyes. So today it begins again...

[size=18:8931d643c5][color=violet:8931d643c5]"It is better to light a candle, than to complain about darkness".[/color:8931d643c5][/size:8931d643c5]
R. Herzog