It's been a long a 14 months since I have posted a blog here. After we lost Ridley time seemed to stop for me I was stuck in those 17 days, 17 wonderful days, with him.

My family and I have been through a lot. We have fallen apart and picked up the pieces a few times. My little girl still asks if we can go to Heaven to see our baby. I hate that the most, she was denied the brother that she so wanted. That we all wanted, and needed.

I still don't attempt to understand any of this. At this point there is no reason that could give me comfort, or not anger me. I foolishly believed that he would be a part of the lucky ones....I wasn't supposed to even get pregnant, yet I did....that was my reason for believing that he would come home. I prayed every night. I have never prayed so much in my life. I begged God to take me if someone had to die, even as they pulled him from my belly. We did get a miracle, he made it to Children's and we got time to experience the wonder that was him.

I have cried just about every day. I was sent to a therapist, put on several medications. It did not help, and I was told to continue them until told other wise....they made me a zombie, and I just felt a numb emptiness....then I seen a grief councilor, and I began to realize that I didn't need the medications, I just needed time....I was in a hurry to 'get better.' River and Raylen, my older 2 need me, my husband needs me....so I tried to rush healing my shattered heart. You can't do that. I can't anyway. I needed, and still need time. I have been off of them for 2 months....I have been more like myself, although, I have days where I force myself out of bed....but everyday I find that my husband and kids, are my strength, they push and pull my forward. Even if I drag my feet. Just today we made a flower bed together, we took a piece of ground that was nothing but grass, and turned it into something beautiful

I have realized that now I must look for all the small things, the beauty, even if it's hard to find. I have to enjoy the feeling of the sun on my face, the wind blowing across my skin, all of it....not just for me, but for my son who never got to experience these wonders that the Lord created for us on this earth.

I am by no means restored to my former self, I am still broken. I don't think I will ever be whole again, how can you when so much of your heart, your being was taken from you? I am however learning to live this new reality, with the love of my husband, my babies, and the Grace of God....

I miss you, my Sweet Boy. I will love you forever and Always.....you took a piece of my heart with you, My Son......

I am posting this with a heavy heart. Ridley passed away last night, but I just needed to say how proud I am. He, like all cherubs fought for every second that he had here.

There were complications from ecmo, and he had to come off it, and he was just too sick for the oscillator vent. We had to decide to push forward and try that or let him go. We made the decision to let him go and rest. He had multiple brain bleeds that caused too much damage, and we knew, because the day before they did a trial off ecmo, that he wouldn't survive without it.

I think we are still in shock, I don't know what I am doing half the time. I knew this was possible, especially after his birth, they didn't think he would even get to ACH from UAMS. I just couldn't accept that or really think about this, because I couldn't function when I did, and I had to be there for him.

I know that he isn't in pain anymore, there is no more struggle. I would have taken it all for him if I could have, but I do find comfort that in making the decision to let him rest, we were able to take away all of the discomforts he felt, even if it was just a few days less.

He was in a pod with 2 other cherubs. We have been praying for them, and I would like to ask for prayers for Allie and Angel.

He was 17 days old, and for 17 wonderful days I got to experience the miracle that he was. I will love him always, and miss him every second and carry him in my heart forever....

Our csection is scheduled for the 6th, right at 39 weeks. I am so not ready for this, but what momma is? I am however getting excited to meet our little guy. Not too excited though, he needs to stay put...we have been having issues with contractions, and I had to go to labor and delivery to get them stopped. I was there for 6 hours, got for shots, and a dose of procardia before they quit. Now I am on 20 mg of the procardia every 4 hours. Not looking forward to 2 more weeks of the meds, but my ob said we will do anything and everything to put labor off till THE date. I may have to go to Little Rock early though just in case...I just hope I can make it till Saturday though, my 2nd baby Raylen will be 1 that day, and I really hope we can spend it celebrating his birthday.

Well the appointment didn't go so well. When we were diagnosed we were told that they believed that it was a small hernia. Well when we went in Wednesday they informed us that Ridley's heart was pushed way over and that the left side may not be growing as it should. We also found out that not only are some bowels and his stomach, but also a portion of his liver are up. The nice thing about the whole day was seeing my son. They estimated his weight at 2lbs and 11oz