February 15 was suppose to be the best day of my life but instead it was the worst. My son was born at 1:03am and passed about 9 hours later. I was able to get out of the hospital in time to hold him and say goodbye. My sweet angle passed in my arms after his father and I told him it was ok he didn't need to be in pain. I feel like he waited for me to get to Children's before he let go.
Since his passing I have found it hard to show the love and attention my other son needs and deserves. I feel detached from life my emotions just go between anger and sadness. I was producing milk and I couldn't stop the emptiness inside from consuming me. I have my husband whom is great support but he is grieving too and I don't want him to have to stop his grief to comfort me. I am lost and hopeless for the future.

I started having contractions on Monday the 14th. My doctor checked me but they haven't been doing anything at that point. I have 32cm of fluid so although I am only 33 weeks I am measuring full term. On Tuesday I started having a lot of contractions again and so I came back to hospital. I was dilated to 3. I was so upset I couldn't stop crying. I have been in the hospital since and they have stopped the progression on the labor. I hope we can push it out as long as possible. The pediatric doctor said they can't even use ECMO until he is 34 weeks. I haven't been able to get everything ready yet for his arrival. I am so scared he wont make it if I can't find a way to hold him in a couple more weeks. My husband says to stay strong and calm down so it does not make things worse with the extra stress. I wish it was that easy. I can't even see my 2 year old at home but still have to try and arrange things for him to have a sitter and with my work. I am just not ready.