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LaurieWilkinson

GRANDMOTHER WILKINSON'S DIARY OF HER 1ST GRANDCHILD'S Birth

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&lt;P&gt;[color=indigo:6c253eb39d]<b>LITTLE ANGEL BABY GABRIEL ERIC NAVA (18 NOV. 2006- 12 JAN. 2007 AGE: 56 DAYS)</b>&lt;/p&gt;
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&lt;P&gt;I have dreamt of the day that my dear sweet little Grandchildren would come! From the moment I heard my daughter tell me she was pregnant with our little baby Gabriel, I fell in love and was jumping for joy- taking pictures throughout my daughter's pregnancy of every precious stage of his precious life! I was more than a proud grandmother, I adored him and couldn't wait to hold him in my arms, to love him, to play with him, to care for him, and to share with him! His birth was much anticipated as I was to be there to see him being born and just couldn't wait! I was told originally that he may be born on my birthday- 01 December 2006, which gave it all the more sweet meaning- what a birthday gift this would be! Then they moved his due date to 27 November 2006 but near the end he was scheduled for inducement for the 21st November 2006 which was another special day to me- the death of my Father so he would turn this sad day into a good day for me. My Father always wanted a little boy but he never got that wish as he had 3 little girls so having Gabriel on his day would be extra special and fullfill his dream in his honor. The day came that I got a phone call early in the morning that my daughter's water broke, it was the 18th November, just 3 days before his last scheduled due date so Gabe was coming just a little earlier as he was going to do things his way at 38 weeks and full term. We rushed to the hospital and I walked into his room to await his birth. He took a while, so I went outside for a bit and then came back in and as I went to walk into the room, and one of the nurses stopped me after I had already been in the room once, waiting to be witness for my granbaby to be born, and she suddenly denied me the right to see my precious grandson being born. I couldn't understand as I had already been in there for a few hours to be witness and awaits Gabriel's birth but she claimed that the proper paperwork had not been done, and so the permission for me to witness my beloved, precious grandbaby to be born had been revolked and there was nothing I could do or say to change their policy or minds- I was crushed- my heart was deeply broken! She also stated, if I wanted to be in there to be witness, that I would personally have to kick out my daughter's best friend or her husband- the Father of Gabriel! I was sick to my stomach at this suggestion as it didn't make sense- the room was large enough, I wasn't in anyone's way and I had been asked to be in there months before as this was planned with permission so how could this happen now? I wasn't bound to kick the Father out or my daughter's best friend so I left in tears, crushed and confused. I tried hard after that, to keep my focus on my precious little Baby Gabriel being born and for that disappointment not to get in the way of his special day- after all I was finally going to meet and hold my very first precious grandbaby- Gabriel! I got the phone call to come up into the hospital as at 05:55 P.M. my precious, little, Gabriel Eric Nava had been born &amp; to come see him. I ran as fast as my little, weak legs and cane would allow (smile). To my shock, my little baby Gabriel was not in the room and no where to be found! He had been whisked away by doctors as he had &quot;trouble&quot; breathing and I was told that he would be right back, so I waited, but he never came. Little did I know at that time, he had been rushed away to be put on a Ventilator machine which will do the breathing for him to help him til his lungs can get stronger and do it on their own (but this wouldn't be enough sadly, we would find out later). After waiting awhile, with no answers, I had to go home, I was in alot of physical pain and couldn't take anymore as I was completely drained. In total confusion, deep sorrow and disapointment, horrific fear, and extreme longing, I stopped at the nursery just to see if I could peek through their door window to even get a glimse of him, but all I saw was a empty room with an occassional nurse running in and out frantic. I was fighting back the tears by now, choking on the view of a empty room and wondering what was going on with my precious little baby Gabriel! One of the nurses came to the door to inquire why I was staring blankly into the room, and as I told them, they replied that they can't release any information to me and they told me to go home, which crushed my heart even more. That deep feeling must have been apparent on my face as one of the other nurses softened and told me that poor little Gabriel wasn't doing well and they were waiting upon transfer permission for him to another hospital but that that is all that she could tell me and she then suggested I go on home. A phone call late that night from my daughter told me our precious little Gabriel was in trouble &amp; he was being shipped to W&amp;I Hospital for his breathing problem because they had better equipment for him. He was put on a Ventilator machine called Oscillator (Jet) Vent which puts short air bursts (highest possible) into his lungs to help him breathe (but we would later, find out this wouldn't be enough for him sadly). My heart sunk and ached even more in not knowing what was wrong with my precious first grandbaby. The next day was tormenting as I knew nothing of his conditions- only that he was in trouble. I did get a late phone call saying that he was in critical condition as he was on a ventilator and his outcome was unknown. The 3rd day I got a very, upsetting phone call about noon, from my daughter saying Gabriel was in serious trouble as he had crashed and was being helicoptered to his 3rd hospital in 3 days as noone could help him here to save him because they needed even better equipment in order to save him and help keep him alive and the only hospital in the New England area was Mass General who had the equipment. What did &quot;Crash&quot; mean?- I wondered. The kids were on their way, driving as fast as they could to the hospital while Gabriel was being helicoptered. My Children were upset they couldn't ride and be with him in the helicopter because there wasn't enough room for them and he needed other medical personel to be on the helicopter to consistently hand pump his heart to keep him alive. Of course they understood that was obviously, more important, but their heart wrenched as a parent to be with their beloved son who was in deep trouble and so did mine! Gabriel had been diagnosed with C.D.H. (Congenitial Diaphramatic Hernia- a &quot;left-sided one&quot; which is most common of them all, which is a hernia- a hole in his diaphram which allowed all his vital organs to go up through the hole into his chest cavity and basically pushing over his lungs and heart way to the other side of his chest cavity (his heart was under his right arm pit!) which ends up causing also underdeveloped organs and other major problems). He was also diagnosed with a hole in his heart called P.F.O. (a opening in his upper 2 chambers of his heart that would normally close after birth immediately, but his didn't. his was a right to left shunt.). The C.D.H. which caused underdeveloped lungs- his left being at only 10 % and his right was almost full size, and undersized heart, etc.. because they had no room to grow with all those organs squishing them in his chest cavity, which had caused serious breathing problems and he needed better care immediately if he was to live at Mass General in Boston, Ma. which was far away from me- being 2 hours. This day, would be the first time we would be allowed to get to even lay our eyes upon our precious new grandchild even tho he had been born for 3 days! Tho, I was very ill with my F.M.S. and C.F.S., and was bed-rid from it, I got up anyways and we rushed to Boston for our beloved Gabriel. From that point on, he was put on E.C.M.O. machine (Extra Corporeal Membrane Oxygenation) which acts like your heart and lungs, bi-pass yours and takes all your blood out, cleaning and oxygenating it, and then puts it back in you (this will help him til his heart and lungs can work on their own). He was also put on a Ventilator machine called Oscillator (Jet) Vent which puts short air bursts (highest possible) into his lungs. When the doctors in Boston finally got Gabriel settled in, hooked him up to all those machines and finally got him stabalized, we were finally aloud to visit and meet our precious boy! He was so beautiful! At first I did notice all the machines and hook-ups which was quite shocking to see on such a little baby boy, but soon, I didn't see them anymore, and only saw the beauty of my beloved Gabriel! Because Gabriel was so very ill, he was sensitive to 1) Light 2) Sound and 3) Touch in which any disturbance of these could set him off and make his vitals go crazy and even kill him, I was told I could only touch him for a second very slowly so not to startle him or stimulate him and that I could only take pictures without flash and noise in a darkened room so it wouldn't stimulate him and hurt him. I did so so very carefully. Our visit was short as not to get him stimulated and to help him rest and recover. His kidneys or bladder was working but wasn't working enough and within a few days he also had to be put on another machine called C.V.V.H. (Continous Veno Venous Hemofilteration) which is a dyalisis machine that will act as his kidneys til his kidneys get stronger to work enough. As time passed Gabriel would endure 3 major operations and multiple procedures as the staff and Doctors worked desperately to save his precious life. His first operation was 24 November to put all his major vital organs like his heart, lungs, liver, stomach, intestines etc.. back to their normal places and to seal up the large hernia hole in his diaphram- the operations was a great success and we celebrated giving God a many thanks and praise. His second (19 December) would be because he was mysteriously bleeding in his chest cavity somewhere and Doctors needed to put a drain tube in to release the blood, but because he was loosing too much blood they had to arrange it so it could be &quot;recycled&quot; right back into him. That was successful too, but later that night he started bleeding to death and Doctors had to pull the tube out and seal it to save his life so the operation basically became null and void. We thought we had some miracles as Gabe fought very hard to live and despite all odds he fought well and survived all operations and procedures. I was blessed to be able to take pictures of him during all this and to spend some special, quality, short visit time with him. He knew who Grandma, Grandpa &amp; Uncle was and he tried so hard to communicate with us. I will never forget, his sweet, loving smile, his beautiful little eyes looking up at me and his darling little, warm, hand holding and squeezing my hand with love, and even his little sweet tears as they filled his little asking eyes and rolled down his precious, sad face when he cried from pain or sickness while his eyes looked into mine. I will especially, never, ever forget as it lay so vivid on my mind, our Christimas visit with him, when he wasn't feeling well at all, and his dear little eyes filled with tears while I held his beautiful little hand, and he tried to cry but had no voice and so he couldn't but his face, mouth and eyes with tears went through the motions, and so I told him, &quot;Oh, Please, Don't cry Gabriel, everything's going to be alright, Grandpa, Grandma, Uncle &amp; Mommy are all right here, don't worry, it will all be alright!&quot; Then, he shook his head &quot;NO!&quot; left to right repeatedly like he was trying to tell us something was seriously wrong and we weren't getting it!! It broke my heart in ways you can't imagine, as I am a 23 year plus well-experienced mother whom knows how to comfort children, heal them, bring down temperatures and get them through childhood typical illnesses and yet here I am for the very first time, feeling very helpless- as helpless as one can feel, not knowing how to fix, make better or even ease the pain and suffering of my little baby Gabriel and I have no healing words despite my much experience on how to comfort my daughter, son-n-law, husband or son's aching, breaking heart! Suddenly, I felt like a child, myself, helpless, lost, confused, scared, and with no direction or answers, dependent on others to carry all the weight of all this and I hated that feeling! His smiles were few tho he tried. The next job Doctors had to do, was to get him off the machines so his organs could work on their own as being on them too long could make his organs lazy and they could quit on him being dependent on them. Many repeated tries to get him off, sadly failed and it looked hopeless but on 26 December he pulled through and held his own being taken off the E.C.M.O. machine &amp; the C.V.V.H. machine! Another sweet miracle we celebrated! We spent 3 major holidays in the hospital with Gabriel besides his birthday- Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. We really thought our beloved Little Baby Gabriel would make it, as he made it through the major operations and so many rollercoaster up's &amp; down procedures as he was trully a fighter, but in the end, our poor little baby's body just couldn't take it no more. After Gabe's last operation on 08 Jan. 2007, (our baptism day &amp; his beloved cousin Bl. Andre Bessette's Anniversary &quot;Rejection to Holy Cross&quot; day) which was originally successful, but later that night- everything started giving out, one by one on him, and he bid us good-bye by crashing and he died for 45 minutes but Thank our Good Father, Doctors successfully brought him back to us and we celebrated yet, another sweet miracle. By now, we figured, if Gabriel had fought so very hard, despite all odds and made it through all his major operations and procedures, tho it was a very tough road, he would surely make it. He even was getting spunky, trying to move about, pulling out his tube etc.. so doctors had to give him med to sedate him to keep him calm for a while til he heals some more. Near the end, I stopped seeing his beautiful eyes as they were always closed. I feel, that he wasn't the same after his last operation. I seeked out any movement- any life from him, any precious communication.. but it was getting less &amp; less. I stayed in the hospital with him those last days, but went home on the 11th thinking he was o.k.. Tho he never opened his beautiful brown eyes, he did move his little extra long precious foot several times despite being on paraytic medicine just letting his grandmother know he was hearing her. I had put my relics about him, said many rosaries and prayers and read &quot;One Fish, Two Fish&quot; by Dr. Seus to him and then I went home. To my horror, I was awoken the next morning, on the 12th (his cousin Bl. Andre Bessette's anniversary Burial day &amp; his 3rd great grandfather- Thomas Joseph Barron's death day) at 2:30 a.m., age: 56 precious days, that our beloved little baby Gabriel had died. You could hear the pain in Corin's voice as she told me that he had gone into renal failure, he had pulmonary hypertension, his kidneys shut down, and so all his vital organs did, and so my poor daughter and son-n-law were forced to face the decision of having to pull the plug to let him go as the severe damage had been done, was irreversible, and Gabriel was beyond saving and returning-and so they had no choice. My heart felt like it was ripped from my body, my head spinning in confusion, pain &amp; deep grief beyond anyone's imagination- I just wanted to go out and run and run away as far as I could, but my weak ole' body sick as it was, wouldn't even let me take even a walk and I couldn't scream because my poor daughter was on the phone.. When we hung up, I screamed and cried from the loss of our Gabriel- in disbelief as he was such a strong little boy- a fighter who had beat all odds and now I was being told, he had gone... I felt like all time had stopped and I was in a nightmare and I was waiting to wake up. I was numb, I just couldn't comprehend it all, and had no will for anything. A large piece of me had died with my beloved Gabriel and I was so lost that the world about me was gone nor did I care to know about it. We visited Gabriel for the last time that day, and it would be the first and last time we would ever get to hold him. When I held that little boy in my arms, it was too much for me to bear, as I had longed for it so long, and now, it had to be under these circumstances, I just couldn't take it, and had to give him back and leave the room to just cry in private. My heart and head was screaming in sorrow &amp; grief but some people there had come out after me and I didn't have any privacy to cry so I went back in his room again when I was able to. We were able to hold him 2 more times before they took him away again from us, I didn't want to let him go, but had to be strong for my daughter, son-n-law &amp; son, so I tried hard to hide all that I was feeling. Giving him a present and taking something from him to remember him by, they finally took him away, and there was a dead silence in the room that you could hear the emptiness a thousand miles away. Walking out of that room forever- never to return, after it had become a part of our normal lives to travel and be there for the last 56 days was a hard thought as it meant letting go way to quick for me. For the first time, I learned what &quot;Panic attacks&quot; were as I had many of them suddenly bursting into tears over our little Angel Baby Gabriel. I couldn't look at another baby nor listen to their beautiful crys, I couldn't watch any show about babies or death or I would burst into uncontrollable tears. In the afternoons when it was normal time to go see Gabriel every third day, I would cry all day. Night time sleeping was hard, as I just couldn't sleep as my mind would race and tears flowed like a river as my heart ached so very bad. My husband would put this little blue bear that had a baby Lamb blanket wrappped about it that had been with Gabriel into my arms and he would turn it's music on for me to hold, listen to, and comfort me as I suddenly became and felt like a little child. The funeral on the 16th January 2007 was as beautiful as a funeral can be I suppose, Gabriel looked so handsome in the suit I had bought him. It was supposed to be his dress up- special occasion suit for like Easter and Christmas for him, but now it had new meaning for him.. Beautiful Flowers, stuffed animals &amp; little toys and little messages of love surrounded him. He looked so peaceful, that you wouldn't have known there was so much pain and tears that flowed like a river in that room. I didn't want to say good-bye- I just couldn't! I shook from my nerves with the struggle. The service was beautiful, and then we went to the cemetary for his burial. How sweet that Gabriel was placed under 3 special Archangel's (St. Michael, St. Gabriel &amp; St. Raphael) care and 3 very special cousin's (Bl. Brother Andre Bessette, St. Sr. Marie Rose Ferron, &amp; Bl. Dina Belganger) care when he was born as one of them- Bl. Andre Bessette Loved St. Joseph very much and now not only did he die on his burial day, he would be buried in St. Joseph's Cemetary! I'm sure cousin Andre would like that. The whole thing, tho, felt like a bad dream and I wished I would wake up. As I thought of all the days we spent with Gabriel, tears flowed, and I remembered all that he had taught me, how he touched so many lives- wonderful people all over the world from it's 4 corners had joined together to pray for him and his precious fight for life, he had brought so many together.., even helping mending some fences with some family members, as he taught us what was important in life and how to be strong. I could remember the warmth of his little hand holding mine and his beautiful eyes looking right into mine, trying so hard to communicate- &quot;Grandma, I love you&quot;. I was remembering every little moment with him, and then the funeral ended- it was time to say good-bye. The hardest thing I have ever done, as we drove away, I just kept looking back at our little Gabriel's spot just wishing things could have been different and that I was taking him home in my longing, aching arms rather than leaving him behind... The next months til now, have been about healing- how to let go of our precious little first grandbaby who would not be with us for the holidays, the family gatherings, the little joys of life, and what to do with his precious little things we had bought for him as we had made so many plans for him to share with him and how to come to terms with his peace in Heaven while we miss and mourn him here on earth, and yet he is in our hearts forever- a big part of our lives, even despite his leaving us~~ He has Not left us!... He has forever changed our lives and us! I admire him for his courage, his strength, his deep love and his beauty. He is in my heart, my mind, and his spirit will always be here. I love him with all my heart and I miss him dearly! His First Birthday is coming up- 18 November 2007- &quot;Happy First Birthday Gabriel!&quot; We will be hosting his birthday party at Downy Weaver American Legion Hall in Charlestown, Rhode Island, U.S.A. at 2:00 P.M. His birthday presents will be money that will be donated in his memory to the organization- CHERUBS which is deeply dedicated to giving excellent support and promoting CDH Awareness to families/Friends of Cdh babies, the Public &amp; the Medical Field. As I struggle still to adjust and comprehend, and move on, I shall not move on without you, but with you, as you are here forever- just in a different way, and I am a different person, because of you...Thank You Gabriel! May God bless and hold you til we meet again, my darling, beloved little Grandson!...~My Little Angel Baby Gabriel!&lt;/p&gt;

&lt;P&gt;My Personal feeling~ I don't like to blame anyone as CDH can happen to anyone of us and our children, and I understand mistakes can happen, some things can't be forseen, and the doctor most certainly didn't have any reason to believe that there was anything wrong with our little Gabriel as all prenatal tests and quality care had been given and appeared fine up to the point of Gabriel's birth but I just can't help but wonder if there was more Awareness out there, then maybe, just maybe the doctor would have done a full sonogram of Gabriel and then he would have most certainly seen the CDH, and Corin would have immediately been rushed to a hospital who had the better and proper equipment to care for Gabriel, she would have had a c-section rather than having him naturally which would have not stressed his poor strained, undersized, misplaced heart, lungs and vital organs, and just maybe he would have the the strength to get stronger and actually would have survived! He could be in my arms right now as I speak! A simple full sonogram, may or may not have saved Gabriel's life, but we will never know that now for sure, and I just feel if there was more awareness out there, that Gabriel would have stood a good chance of surviving if he only hadn't been stressed through the birthing process. No matter now, we can't turn the hands of time back and bring back our Gabriel but we can make a difference now!! May we learn now from this and May Gabriel's precious fight for life make a difference in another child's precious life!&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;P&gt;With Much Love, Many Blessings, and always Remembering!~ For you are in my heart always~
Grandma Laurie E. B. Wilkinson&lt;/p&gt;
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&lt;P&gt;<b>C.D.H. FACTS:</b>
1 out of 2,500 children every year are born with it and 1,600 in the U.S.A. are born with it every year!
50 % of the babies born with this don't survive &amp; Most have life-long term health complications.
CDH is more common that Cystic Fibrosis and almost as common as Spina bifida!!
CDH awareness may just prevent some deaths and give the child a better chance to be strong and live as the medical field becomes more aware to look for it, and know what to do to give them the best chances in life!
CHERUBS- is a tax-deductable, 501C, non-profit organization made up of many dedicated parents of CDH babies and children whom have dedicated their lives in loving Memory of their children to help provide excellent support and awareness of CDH &amp; it's complications, what to look for, and how to care better for them, to parents of CDH, their families and friends, the public, and the medical field! (They rely strictly on donations to promote awareness and need your help to do so, so if you are thinking of donating to a charity- please think of becoming a guardian angel to a child and donate to Cherubs- a very worthy cause!...[/color:6c253eb39d]&lt;/p&gt;
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&lt;P&gt;[color=green:6c253eb39d]<b>TO DONATE TO CHERUBS IN GABRIEL'S MEMORY:-)</b>
(Put in Memo): &quot;In Memory of Gabriel Eric Nava (18 Nov 2006- 12 Jan 2007)&quot;
and write Check out to:
<b>&quot;CHERUBS&quot;</b>
and send to:
CHERUBS
c/o Dawn Torrence,
270 Coley Road,
Henderson, North Carolina, U.S.A., 27537
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telephone #- 1-252-492-6003
web address: http://www.cdhsupport.org
EMAIL: dawn_torrence@cherubs-cdh.org
Even yet, why don't you come join CHERUBS- Everyone is welcome![/color:6c253eb39d]&lt;/p&gt;
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&lt;P&gt;[color=red:6c253eb39d]<b> Gabriel Eric Nava (18 Nov 2006- 12 Jan 2007 age: 55 days)[/color:6c253eb39d]&lt;/p&gt;
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