AmyMiles

It's been awhile since I last wrote in my blog. I have been struggling lately with the guilt of moving on. It feels as though I am leaving her in the past. How do you show your love to those who have passed? I am struggling with that right now. I love her soooo much and for some crazy reason feel like if I move on I am not showing her that love.
My mind is a battle field between the feelings I have and what I know. I know that moving on shows that I care and is healthy, but moving on makes me feel that she is not the center of my life. Though I think about her all the time.
Everyone was right about the moments that sneek up on you. I had started feeling this guilt, then yesterday I was about to get on the highway and heard this song that people use on their cherubs videos and lost it. I changed where I was going and went to visit her. I cried. I miss her so much. Luckily my work schedule is very flexible.
Last night I was on the phone very late with my friend who is having relationship trouble and around 1245 in the AM it was my turn to share my feelings. Apparently my husband was sick of me talking on the phone and exchanged some words. So I hung up with her, not getting to share my feelings. That was it, I totally lost it and was balling. Steve was just tired as he has started a new job with a moving company. He didn't mean what he said and I should have been downstairs on the phone. He stayed up with me and we talked about Faith.
I had been writing in a journal. Last night while writing it hit me that my hopes for her are gone. I used to write my feelings, then it shifted to writing to her. Before we wrote to her in a journal when we were in the NICU to tell her about her journey. Now when I write to her there is no Hope that she will ever read it.
Blah! Emotions take such a turn...I feel so great and then this. This pain. It too will pass.

I love you Faith. Take care. Thank you for watching over us.

Mommy