TLCSHANNON

I found out that my baby boy would be fighting CDH in novemver 2009, they first told me they thought it was a hernia because the heart was slightly to the right but they were not sure if it was just one picture because all the others looked fine. Then they told me at the next visit it was a ccam or lung cyst, I was so happy it wasnt the cdh that I had looked up the week before and I cried tears of joy, then I went for third ultrasound and they said they were leaing toward CDH and I had an amnio and cried all day until I couldn't cry anymore. We had an MRI, and only part of the small bowel is up, the right lung is normal and the left is 1/4 the size the right, not good. I have been stressed beyoned belief and I am trying to find a way to stay positive and let God take over, but I am not doing so great. I have nightmares about the delivery and everytime I see a baby (I work at a hospital) I get jealous and sad because my baby will be fighting for his life at that age and then my coworker is pregnant and healthy and giddy and I pretend to be happy for her but I have a little gilt for being envious. I have been up and down and I tell everyone I meet about it, my family is all supportive and being positive for me. I am not sure if Swedish Medical Center in Seattle,WA is the best place to deliver and I dont know if Washington is the best place to deliver but I have three kids at home that need me and I dont want to be to far away from them, my younges is 15 months. I know I sound really negative right now but I walk around with a smile and a positive attitude for everyone at my work and for kids so I am kinda just letting it out now. I am a worrier by nature and this is by far the worst thing I have ever lived through. I just want to bring my sweet baby home with me and put this nightmare behind us. I actually had someone tell me that this happened because I already have three kids and now I will be more appreciative, and I thought what a horrible thing to say to someone you hardly know, but then I try to tell myself that everyone reacts differently to bad news. My kids and my family are my life!! I feel better now that I have gotten it all out.