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JenniferTenney

IT IS SO NOT FAIR!!!!

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It is not fair in any way!!!! I hate when any angel is lost to CDH. I think a baby lost after only an hour of life, or a day, or even in the womb, is a huge tragedy. The parents and family loses all the hopes and dreams for their angel and it breaks my heart. But I tell you, the loss of an angel who has already been home haunts me even more. The stories I hear where a baby survives for a month at home, or a few months or even a year or more, terrify me and devastates me to the core. I think it is because I know I love Dakota more and more every single day, and I believe that it would hurt more to lose her now than it would to lose her while she was in the hospital that first week. I loved her before I even knew her, I truly did ... and I loved her before I saw her eyes open and before I was able to hold her. But I love her even more than that now. I remember my sister telling me after Dakota got home, that the first couple of nights my mom came back to their hotel room in Gainesville and told her that she almost hated seeing Dakota (Dakota was on ECMO and fighting for her life) because every time she saw her, she fell more in love with her, and she didn't want to love her so much if she was going to lose her. However, I once read a blog of a CDH angel, and the mom said that before she was born she prayed that her baby would either be taken quickly or survive. But her baby fought for 30 days and there were days when they thought she was going to survive, but she didn't. Yet she was so grateful for those 30 days, grateful for the days of hope, and was glad her prayer that her baby being taken right away wasn't answered. I don't know. I don't know how I would feel in that situation. Right now there are tears streaming down my face for Heath's parents, for Sarah (Jeremiah's mom), for Dawn, for the mommy who just wrote in who lost her 15 month year old ...In a way, I know they were blessed with time to spend with their cherubs, but I imagine the pain of loss would be so much more as well. But maybe there is not greater pain than the loss of any angel, so you can't even compare. I don't know, I shouldn't judge. I am so grateful that I don't know. But right now, my heart hurts so bad for Heath's parents, who I have never met, but who I feel I know deeply. Not fair, not fair at all! God has some answering to do when I get there!
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  1. Crystal Benitez's Avatar
    I know just how you feel!! Eeverytime I hear about how these amazing creatures get to go home only to get taken back to heaven just strikes the very core of my soul. I could not even imagine, and am soo grateful I can't. I have Heath's full name and birthdate on my computer to remind myself of what these parents have to go through and to honor the memory of thier angels!! I struggle with this every time I hear about the passing of a baby. I feel like nobody understands. I have even had a friend tell me "you should stop going on there, its really depressing". I can't stress enough to them "how can I stop" this is something that is a part of my and Scarlett's life forever. How can you just stop thinking about something that has changed your life. I am soo glad I read your blog because even though I know we all understand it is just good to read it and to know someone is feeling exactly the same way!! ((((HUGS)))))
  2. JenniferTenney's Avatar
    Thanks Crystal! I love that you understand! I think almost everyone on this site feels that way! We can't help but care about others who have children with CDH and are uniquely bonded in that shared experience!