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JadeHunt

An Apology

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I am not very technologically savy, so I cannot figure out to delete a blog entry that hurt a very good friend of mine. I wrote the blog in a fit of sadness, devastation and fear, never imagining that this friend would read it. I joined this site to connect to families who know exactly how my husband and I feel. This site has been a huge blessing and the women I have met and connected with all hold a very special place in my heart! I never expected others to read it. The truth is, it is impossible to understand how I am feeling unless you are going through the same things and have been riding the same rollercoaster that my husband and I have since Liam passed. I knew that if someone on the "outside," so to speak, read this, my thoughts, feelings and emotions would be misunderstood and would come off as hurtful, offensive and insensitive.

I want to apologize to this friend. The truth of the matter is: I do care about how she and her baby boy are doing, and I do want to see picturs of him and receive updates, but I'm just not ready. I am SO jealous of them! When I wrote that blog, I was angry at someone else, not her. I was angry at someone who has been incredibly insensitive, disrespectful and hurtful during this traumatic and already devastating time. This person has only added to the pain and devastation that we are already enduring.

I never meant to hurt my friend, and if I ever had an inkling that she would read this and be hurt, I never would have wrote it. My intentions were not to hurt anyone. I needed to vent and get my feelings out. My hope is, in doing this venting and talking, that I gain some understanding as to why this happened to my gorgeous Liam, my husband, our son Landon, and I. I cannot wrap my head aorund it, and don't know that I ever will.

Someone that is supposed to be family and supposed to be supportive and loving said, "God only gives us what we deserve and we should accept it as whole." I honestly don't know how anyone could say this to us! This comment, among many of her others, gives new meaning to the term, "Ignorance is bliss." We NEVER deserved to lose our son! Nobody ever deserves to lose a child! All I want is to have my Liam back! People ask us what we need or want and the answer always is and will always be the same: We want Liam! Nobody can give him back to us and that is ALL we want and all we will ever want! I dread the day that Dustin and I have to explain to Landon what happened to our Precious Liam, and why Liam is home with us. The thought of that kills me!

From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry that I hurt my friend! I pray that she, her husband, and their son stay healthy and happy. I really do want the best for them! I hope that she can forgive me and understand that I am going through a process, and whether I mean to or not, I say and do things that are really parts of the process.

**Liam, help Momma to be strong and brave! Thank you for watching over Daddy, Landon and I and for keeping us safe and healthy! We know you are with us everywhere we go, with everything we do. We feel your little arms around us, and your precious little hands in ours! God Bless You, Liam Anthony Hunt! We love you more than life itself! We miss you more with each passing day! WE LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK, PEANUT! XOXOXOXO! ALL OUR LOVE, Momma, Daddy, Landon, and Lucy**

Jade
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  1. ElizabethCorea's Avatar
    Dont feel. Bad my best friend had her baby boy 2 days after i got the news that my baby had a birth defect. I didnt visit her I just couldnt. Shes never told me anything about it but I know she really wanted me there, I was the first one she texted letting me kno she had her baby, at 2am any other friend would wait till the next day right. But I think she understands what Im going throught. And at the end of the day she dosent mind me not going to the hospital. Besides that my babies father sister had a baby too and when we are as a family and her baby is around I cant help but walk away. Its hard beging around babies. I dont mean to hurt her feeling or her son feeling even thought he dosent seem to mind, I just rather stay away. Till this day i have not carried him and hes about 3 months now some day i will, just right now im not ready too. I dont just do it to her baby. I push all babies away. I always wanna cry when i see them. Now older kids like toddlers i have no problem with seeing them or playing with them i sure dont know why. Hopefully it helps to know that there are other moms out her feeling the same way.
  2. JadeHunt's Avatar
    Elizabeth,

    Hearing your story and your feelings does help me! I, too, am okay with older children (toddlers +). It's babies... especially baby boys. With girls, I have started to smile and coo over them. All in due time, I suppose. I will hold him someday, just not any day soon!

    Please stay in touch! I'm in your corner and am here for you! Take care, stay strong, and have faith!

    With hugs and MANY prayers,
    Jade
  3. TracyLanders's Avatar
    So, I'm a little late to these posts. I actually just discovered that people were active in the blog section of the new forums. (They weren't so much before.)
    Reading your post makes my heart ache for you, for both of you Jade and Elizabeth. I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose my baby to CDH. We were some of the lucky 50% who pulled through, although we almost didn't. And I remember that all too well, almost three years later.
    I remember the emotions, the roller coaster ride, the tears, the struggle, my own personal battle with "preparing" myself for the worst that seemed inevitable after some time. I remember, in our first NICU which was open and overcrowded, watching moms of preemies holding their babies, feeding them, cuddling them. Meanwhile, I could barely talk to my daughter, let alone touch her. I remember getting on or off the elevator at our second hospital and seeing happy families leaving with their newborns all buckled safely into their car seats with balloons, flowers, and stuffed animals. That totally broke my heart. Especially the little girls.
    It was all so hard. Something I would NEVER wish on anyone! Even though we survived, after she put up a VERY strong fight, I still get jealous. I have cousins who have had babies since and I could care less, as sad as that may be. I especially could care less because they showed now care or concern for us while my baby was in the hospital, struggling to survive or while I cried myself to sleep at night. I've come to terms with where I stand with most of my family and that's OK. I don't need the drama.
    As far as friends go, I know how you feel Elizabeth. I get emotional when I see a friend who's just had a baby (especially a girl), and she's holding her new baby right after birth or taking her home. It pains me. I missed out on a lot. Not as much as those whose baby didn't make it, but enough to make a difference in my life.
    My heart goes out to all those CDH moms and dads who have had to say goodbye. CDH is a very horrific thing that hurts too many people. I've come to the conclusion that we're given these kids because God would not give us something we couldn't handle. He gave the strongest moms the toughest of situations because He knew, overall, we would make the most of it..even if that takes some time.
    Jade, stay strong. You have many new friends here at CHERUBS who know what you're going through, either completely or partially. We understand. Vent away!
    (((HUGS)))
    Updated 01-06-2012 at 11:51 AM by TracyLanders