JadeHunt

My Dearest Liam,

Momma is having a difficult time this morning. It's so hard to see people that I haven't since I was pregnant with you. It's even harder when they don't know that you passed away. I can't talk about your passing without melting to a puddle of tears, so I just smile and say, "He's perfect! He's gorgeous, healthy, happy, and growing so fast." It breaks my heart to do that because I know the truth. I am so blessed to have the support of the women I work with! They just hug me and say, "I tried to rescue you, but I didn't know what to say or do."

I know that your Daddy has had many of these experiences too, and he can hold it together like Momma can, but it kills us inside.

On Tuesday I went to my doctor to talk about my medications. I have been on them for years and, in the past, have increased them when I'm going through a tough time and then weaned them back down. I used to think those "tough times" were the "worst"; now I know that I have been through the worst, most devastating time of my life!

At my doctor's office, all my doctor did was walk in the door and I lost it. Momma works with her doctor with Patient's that are admitted to the nursing home, and she and I have become good friends as well. There was great comfort in talking to her and just being able to cry and vent. She's a mom too, so she can empathize on that level. The greatest thing about her is that she never says "I know." She only ever says, "I can only imagine..." Those are the greatest words to hear, because the last thing I want to hear, and the thing that I hate the most is when people say, "I know," and they really have no idea. So, we increased my medications with the hope that someday I will be able to wean them back down. I don't have to if they prove to be more effective at the dose they are now, but that's my goal. I don't want to end up like the "Narc sharks" we joke about at work.

G-pa put your shelf up in the living room on Sunday. It looks AMAZING! I had a terrible time putting your urn, pictures, hand and foot prints, and other special items on your shelf. I cried and cried and kept saying to your Daddy, "we shouldn't have to do this... it's not fair." You big brother helped me and made me smile. He loves you SO much and is SO proud of his baby brother! He loves looking at your pictures and touching your hand and footprints. He plays with your toys and only let's certain people touch them. He's very protective of you! He's the BEST big brother and knows he has the BEST little brother!

I miss you so much, Little Lion! Your pictures surround me and I wear my necklace with great pride and love. It helps me to feel your presence and your little arms around my neck hugging me as if to say, "It's okay, Momma. I'm safe and healthy now."

Oh, Peanut... why does life have to be this way? I just want some answers... maybe some day I'll get some some day.

I love you with ALL that I am and am so, so proud of you! God Bless You, My Sweet Gorgeous Angel!

All My Love Forever,
Momma
XOXOXOXO