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JadeHunt

You Give Me Peace

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My Dearest, Liam,

Last night was a tough night for Momma. Daddy and Lan went to Mimi and Pop-Pop's for dinner. I haven't been sleeping well, so Daddy said I could stay at home and try to rest and relax. I, of course, could not rest. I did some housework to keep busy and colored my hair- the first time since I found out I was pregnant with you. I reached a point where a felt a little tired, so I made some dinner and caught up on America's Next Top Model. After I dozed for a bit, I talked to you and kissed your pictures and urn. I found myself asking, "Why?" Mainly, asking God, "why?" I was a mess or tears and was so angry with the world and with God. I know that this is all a part of grieving, but it's extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that I will never know "why." Pastor said, "You will have answers, Jade. All of your questions will be answered when God calls you to heaven to be with Liam for all eternity. And by the time you get to heaven, you'll be holding your precious son, and nothing else will matter." There is great peace in that. If I was holding you now, nothing else would matter- all of my fears and pain would disappear and I would be left in pure joy and solace- so I know I will feel the same when I get to you in heaven.

This morning as I was driving to work, the radio show I was listening to was talking about having a baby. Suddenly, I was reliving the day you were born. I felt immediate fear and sadness and confusion. I had to close my eyes and "shake" myself out of the transe that I was in. I felt your little arms around me and could smell your hair. I felt comfort and peace. You give me comfort and peace. The notion that you are close by and with me gives me comfort and peace. I am trying to hang on to those feelings. Most days, I gaze off into a daze and just picture you and I, rocking in a chair, me singing to you, you looking up at me smiling. That is my source of peace and comfort. You are home for me, Liam.

The feeling I struggle with and want the most right now is understanding. I want to understand- even if it's just a little bit. A touch of understanding and insight would be better than nothing at all. I just don't get it, Liam. Why, why, why? Why you? Why my son? Why our family?

I hope that I will soon understand, or at least come to terms with the fact that I never will... and be able to accept that.

I love you, Liam! With all that I am and all that I hope to be! I am so incredibly proud of you, Peanut!

All My Love and Many Hugs and Kisses,
Momma
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