debbieblakley

Today I am feeling so low,well if I am honest its been going on for weeks now. I can't seem to pull myself out of this at the moment. I just miss Joel so much.
I wrote this poem last year,its on Joels site, when I kept having people telling me I should be 'getting over'this.I hoped they might take note of some of the things I was trying to explain to them. No one knows what this is like apart from all of us who have been down this path.
I also get lots of comments such as oh well you have five others. Well yes I am extremely lucky having my children here with me but that doesn't mean I miss Joel any less.I still feel the same pain from losing a child No one can take his place ever. I miss him every minute of everyday. Thank you for listening,it does help to talk about this to people who do understand. I just wish none of us knew the pain,devastation and heartbreak CDH causes.

I can and I can’t

I can tell you the wonderful feeling you have when you are told at the scan that everything looks good.
I can’t explain to you the hopeless feeling you have when you are told your beautiful baby has a life threatening defect

I can tell you how motivated you are to do everything you can to ensure your baby is born well
I can’t explain to you the feeling of hopelessness you have when you know whatever you do it isn’t going to help your unborn child

I can tell you how wonderful it is to be pregnant, feel your baby moving and to be able to talk about your baby
I can’t explain to you how hard it is to be pregnant and know that the minute your baby is born he will be fighting for his life

I can tell you how exciting it is to be able to shop and nest ready for your newborn
I can’t explain to you how hard it is being pregnant and being to afraid to buy anything in case your baby dies

I can tell you how exciting it is to pack your baby’s bag for when he arrives
I can’t explain to you how difficult it is to wash and pack an outfit, knowing you may be dressing your baby in it after he has died

I can tell you how wonderful the sound of your newborns cry is
I can’t explain to you how devastating it is when your baby is born but is unable to cry or breathe on his own

I can tell you how wonderful it is to see your newborn look at you
I can’t explain how heartbreaking it is to only once see your little newborn look at you

I can tell you how wonderful it is to hold your newborn immediately after birth and snuggle them close to you
I can’t explain to you how broken you feel when the first cuddle you have with your newborn is as he is dying in your arms

I can tell you how wonderful it is to tell your newborn you love them
I can’t tell you how heartbreaking it is to tell them you love them but understand if they can’t fight anymore

I can tell you how wonderful that first baby bath is
I can’t explain to you how hard it is when the first bath is also the last bath and your baby has already left you

I can tell you how wonderful it is every time you hold your new baby
I can’t explain to you what it feels like to hold an angel in your arms

I can tell you how proud you feel when you walk out of the hospital with your new baby
I can’t explain to you what it feels like to leave your baby there and walk out with no more than the cases you arrived with

I can tell you how proud you feel when you go to register your baby’s birth.
I can’t explain to you how it feels when you register his death at the same time

I can tell you how wonderful it is to sit and plan your life with your child
I can’t explain how it feels when that lifetime is through after just 17 hours 48 minutes

I can tell you how wonderful it is when you receive all the new baby cards
I can’t explain how it feels to get bereavement cards instead

I can tell you how exciting it is to plan a christening
I can’t explain to you how hard it is when days after giving birth you have to plan a funeral

I can tell you how wonderful it is spending your days with your baby
I can’t explain how it feels going to the cemetery to see your son

I can tell you how great it feels buying things for your child
I can’t explain how it feels walking past clothes imagining what they would look like dressed in them

I can tell you how wonderful it is seeing all your baby’s firsts
I can’t explain how it feels to only be able to imagine them

I can tell you how great it is telling people how many children you have
I can’t explain to you the terrible guilt you feel if you don’t include your angel

I can tell you how proud you feel writing all your children’s names on cards and things
I can’t explain to you how difficult it is to find a way to include your angel child without people raising their eyebrows

I can tell you how great it is to look at your children’s photos
I can’t explain to you how hard it is when you know the ones of your angel will never change

I can tell you about all the funny things my children have done
I can’t explain how it feels when the only memories I have of my baby are of him fighting for his life

I can tell you the fun you have arranging your child’s birthday celebrations
I can’t explain how hard it is to plan your baby’s birthday and angel day

I can tell you how wonderful it is to be able to talk about your child
I can’t explain how much it hurts when people feel uncomfortable and change the subject

I can explain how much you miss your child when they are away for a day or two
I can’t explain the feeling you have when your child is never coming back

I can tell you how much joy you feel in looking after your child and keeping them safe
I can’t explain how it feels to only be able to hope and pray God is looking after your baby for you

I can tell you how overwhelmingly I love all my children including Joel
I can’t explain to you how overwhelming this hole in my heart is

Love Debbiexxxxxx