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Our Christmas Tree

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My Dearest, Liam,

This weekend was a melting pot of emotions. Saturday we took your brother, Nonna, Grandpa, Mimi and Pop-Pop to get our Christmas tree- your FIRST Christmas tree. I was dragging my feet all day and really didn't feel like getting a Christmas tree or celebrating at all. When we got home, I couldn't prolong the time any longer. Your brother was beyond thrilled to decorate "his tree," as he fondly calls it. I got all of our ornaments out, including two that are yours- your Lion King ornament, which marks your first Christmas, and a quilted teddy bear with your name on it that when of my elderly ladies made for you while we were in Boston. After putting the lights on, I lost it. I was a mess of emotions and had to excuse myself to our bedroom. After many tears, your Nonna came in and reminded me of how excited Landon is, and that you would want us to be happy and celebrate. It's times like these, however, that the devastation consumes me. Your Daddy came and got me and we decorated the tree. It looks quite lovely! Your ornaments adorn the front of the tree, where everyone can see them. I am convinced that you came to get me, pushed me out into the living room and tilted my chin upward. You always know how to rescue me!
Yesterday evening we invited the whole "crazy clan" over to lit your candle @ 7 pm. We all sat in the living room, surrounded by your pictures. Daddy put your urn by the Christmas tree and I held you candle. Nonna read a story entitled, The Christmas Guest. After many tears, I decided that we all needed something to make us laugh- that is what you would want, after all! We watched National Lampoon's Christams Vacation. That movie is mine and your Grandpa's favorite holiday movie! You Pop-Pop is very similar to Clark Griswold, and ironically our family is incredibly disfunctional like the Griswolds- I guess that's what makes us all so special!

It's such a diffudlty place to be- I'm trying to put on a brave and happy face for your brother, but I'm just dying inside. I guess I'll just have to "ake it until I make it." Given time, I hope that I won't have to fake it and grin and bear it as much. I know they say "time heals all wounds," but this wound will never heal! Maybe it'll close or something- just a nursing analogy... I've been at work, Liam, can you tell?
Liam, you are the light that guides me and the captain that steers this ship called "life." I love you with all that I am and all that I could ever dream of being!

Thank you for the beautiful sunshine today!

All My Love and LOTS of hugs and kisses,
Momma
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  1. juliedobbs's Avatar
    Are you a nurse? I didn't know that. I am too. One more thing that we have in common.
    oh and my husbands family's tradition every christmas eve is pull out the national Lampoons' Christmas vacation and watch it. It never fails. It is my favorite. Since I have been in the family it is one of the things I look forward to the most. More and more im finding more things that we are alike on. ITs very strange.
    Are you an RN? Why didn't I catch that before. I read your blog and I know this is a most impossible time for you. I am so proud of you that you did what you did. Landon needs as much of you as possible and if you " fake it till you make it" then its ok. Praying for your strength through this. The holidays are the worse and always so hard to get through. If there is anything I can do please let me know.
    julie