juliedobbs

The days are slowly passing. It feels like it has been 2 months and yet it has only been like a week. 11 days to be exact. I am resting more and not spending hours upon hours at your bedside yet when I wake up in the a.m. I feel like I am not complete until I can see you.
The doctors don't think you even know I am here but when you are awake you look right at me. You are wide awake and I wish I could hold you. When that time comes it will be one of the happiest moments in my life, next to holding your big brother.
I wonder if you want to be held as much as I want to hold you.
I have to leave you at night to get my rest as you get yours. I know that you are in great hands. I believe they have been intricately chosen by God. But I feel so helpless. I can't do anything for you. They let me suctioin your nose and mouth when they start getting too bubbly...and I can wipe your nose and mouth from the excess residu. I so badly want to take this from you. My heart rests when I see you at peace and resting. My heart then grieves when I see you in discomfort. I wish you didn't have to go through this. Yesterday was a rough day. You looked like you were in pain and you would make these faces that looked like you wanted to cry. That made me cry. Please know that as you are in here lying there , know how much you are lovoed. You are resting in His care, where you should be right now. My holding you, as much as I want to and need to, won't heal your lungs. It won't pump the oxygen and necessary blood into your system and tiny little body. My love is here my sweet one and for now it has to remain from a distance. I pray for you and lay my hands on you. YOu grab my finger and hold it and I know that you know that I am your mommy. I always will be. But fo rnow, you need to heal and get better.
I watched your daddy tear up and cry, and it broke my heart. When you are peaceful it helps us to know you are ok. Our hearts ache when you struggle.
I carried you for 9 months and you were protected.
I cared for you and did the best I can to protect you from the outside elements. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this, and can't have that normal baby life. I wait for the transportation outside of the hospital to take me back to the Ronald McDonald House, and see so many mommy's coming out holding their babies. I wonder if they know how blessed they are. I wonder if they take it for granted. I know I did with your brother. Until you go through something like this and are knocking so close to death's door at the possibility of losing your child, its easy to not realize how good you have it.
I will be there my son every day, talking to you and doing all that I know I can do right now. I can't wait to give you a bath, and to put your little clothes on you and for you to just be held in our arms.
God has a mighty plan for you my child. You will get better and be able to one day find that plan for you.
I love you more than you know. I never thought I could love another child like your brother but when I found out I was pregnant with you the love was so strong that it was overwhelming. You are my boys and I miss you and Landon like crazy.
I can't hold either one of you and it hurts but one day we will all go home together and this whole jouney will be a memory that we will never forget.