BrendaSlavin
The journey continues...
by
, 10-11-2007 at 05:42 PM (4797 Views)
Today was so strange. I woke up this morning @ 0500 as usual. My door was open allowing the very cool crisp fall air in. Out of nowhere I suddenly felt so different. All day I could not shake the feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin. I kept telling myself oh it must be there are 5 extra family members in my house and I feel crowded, or maybe work is just catching up to me. Then as I sat on my deck this afternoon a gust of wind blew and that same old familiar feeling finally made sense. Every year it seems I get caught off guard with my "subconcious grieving". This time of year always reminds me of Amanda and Nicholas. I just laid there and allowed my mind to go where it needed to go. It is so amazing Amanda will be 14 yrs old and Nicholas will be 12 years old on November 6. My precious innocent babies are now teenagers. It is so hard to imagine what there life is like now. Are they as happy and healthy as I always pictured? Do they know how much I love them and still miss everything about them. In so many ways I feel I have lived 2 different lifetimes. The sad years of losing Amanda & Nicholas and now the happy years I spend with Stephen and Michaela. One thing I have learned is to accept that this is a lifetime journey without prediction. Sometimes I can feel them and smell them as newborns and my heart just aches for them. I wish all four of my children could be together. Most times I can think of them and just smile because I am so lucky to have had them in my life. I learned so much about life through their eyes. So today it begins again...
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