Danielle Howard

Today we found out that Sienna's Mausoleum drawer is ready with her nameplate and date she earned her wings on it. I was late for work tonight and was going to stop to see it but I couldn't. I'm so scared to see it. to make this all the more real than it has already become over the last month. The first month was such a blur......i was in another place with everything i did...the last month now has cleared and with it becoming so real are coming with some awful grieving. One second i'm completely find and able to talk about what she had now and not cry...the next second i'm a blubbering mess. Sienna is still at home in our curio in her beautiful urn where she has laid for the past 6 weeks. but it is time to lay her to rest on sacred grounds. We are going to have a little service for her. I think I may read aloud the letter I wrote to my little girl. My entire family will be a part of it, just as this little girl was a part of all of them. My family wasn't the kind of family that waited to buy things for a baby. My grandmother bought Sienna a giraffe which i'm going to ask her to lay in the drawer with Sienna to keep her company. I miss my baby girl more every day and this is not getting easier. It's getting so much more real that her room was never started even though i knew what it was going to look like in my head. That the crib isn't together or some new clothes or diapers aren't up there. Everything would have been ready by now with only 8 weeks to go. I went to church on Wednesday for ashes and cried the whole time i was there, we light a candle for Sienna and i just stare at it the whole time. It's becoming so much more real that I'm not pregnant anymore, that she's not kicking anymore. I pray to her to please help give me strength because i need her more than ever.