Kelly Eaton

It has been a month since Anya was diagnosed, and I have about 4 months to go of the pregnancy. I am so tired, not really physically, I was able to take a walk today and felt good- but just emotionally. At work today at one point I just felt very dull, going through the motions, not the worst I have felt since this all started but like I just didn't, couldn't care anymore about anything. Tomorrow is the MRI, then the next the echo and dicussion of results. Every other time I have gone for an appointment I am excited, because it is something to look forward to, but every time I am disappointed, because getting through this is just so far away. Then I get so angry, and restless, and don't know what to do with myself. God knows there is a lot of stuff I could do around the house, but that isn't really appealing, nothing is appealing anymore. I miss my normal life, one without all of the threat of NICU and worsening things. I think one of my biggest fears is to have to spend longer than a few months in the NICU with Anya, or a long time and then if she dies anyway- if she is going to die, I almost want her to go sooner in a way. I am afraid of her suffering, getting messed with so much, and never having a moments peace. I have come to realize that she really won't care if she dies, she will be fine either way, it is us who will be affected. I guess that line of thinking is the only way I can let her go. God help me get through this mess and find peace on the other side. I just keep telling myself that one day I will be happy again, whatever happens.
That day is very far away now.