kwilliams

January 14th. I was nervous but also very excited and hopeful. I never imagined they would tell me what they did. I had never heard of CDH before. I spent the rest of that day and the following day in a daze, mostly numb and unsure of how to feel. I researched...and then broke down. Three days ago I found out. I have been finding it hard not to cry today. I spent all of yesterday afternoon and evening crying. This is my third pregnancy. My first was unhappy circumstances and I had decided to give her up for adoption before I found out that she had a defect. Not CDH but a problem with her brain. When I got pregnant with my son I was nervous that he would have the same problem but he wound up being strong and healthy and normal. I now also have three older stepsons, aged 13,11,and 7. Four boys in one house with me as the only girl (even our puppy is a boy!) had me praying fervently for a girl. I have wanted a daughter since my first baby who I gave up. I have remained a little hesitant throughout the pregnancy so far just because I was worried that maybe I had my chance to have a daughter and I gave her up for adoption. I was starting to relax and enjoy this last month or two. then we get hit with the news. And to be honest I am having a difficult time being positive. I feel that maybe I was right the first time and will not be allowed to have a daughter. I have a close relationship with my mom and even though it wasn't always so, I always wanted to share that closeness and fun with a daughter of my own. We don't know a full diagnosis yet. We haven't been to see the specialist yet. We go on Tuesday, January 22nd. I just don't understand why. All I want is a happy, healthy, normal, girl. I want to enjoy all of her steps in life. As a baby and beyond. I worry that even if she is okay after surgery, that I will have a very limited amount of time with her. Like she will die young no matter what the outcome of surgery. That may seem really negative, but I was told that my first little girl would most likely not live a very long life. I am trying so hard not to think about these things, but with so many unanswered questions and reality being what it is, I find myself still thinking the worst. I just want the happiness and excitement back. I don't even know if I should allow my family to go ahead with the baby shower. I hate waiting. I'm not a very patient person. I just want Tuesday here so I can know more.