kwilliams

I'm sleepy today so this might be a bit more rambling than usual....which is saying something I had my weekly appointment with the perinatalogist yesterday. Delaney seems to be doing very well. She has gotten a 10/10 on her last two appointments there. She will do a growth check at this doctor next week, but I also saw my OB this week and she did a growth check and said that Delaney was 3lbs. 13oz. Which is one ounce over the "norm" according to the growth charts they showed me! I have always felt that she is feisty and strong. She is showing them up so far. So I should be happy and celebrate...but then I wonder if she will be able to do as well once she is born. I know I shouldn't doubt her and that I need to have faith in both her and in God that everything will be as it should be, but I would rather make it like I want it to be. I have started to really want to get things for her, like a swing, a crib, get a room set up for her, that sort of thing but I wonder if I should. My husband thinks we should have a baby shower or at least get things for her and then if the worst happens we can just give it all away to someone else who needs it. One, I don't think that I would want to just give it all away because I would still want to try again in the future and I would still hope for a little girl. Two, wouldn't it be harder to have all that stuff if the worst happened? Has anybody out there had a baby shower and/or gotten things ready like normal anyway and then had the worst happen? Do you regret it? I know I've become preoccupied with this lately when I need to be focusing on the positives. The problem is that I do feel deep down that she will make it. She will fight and be strong and never let it get her down. But my biggest fear in life has always been being wrong. And I hate not knowing. I'm not really very patient. And through all of this I've had to be patient. I've done fairly well, but its this last little bit that's driving me crazy. I have my weekly appointments with the specialist, then in two weeks I start my weekly appointments with my OB, and then at the end of the month, we meet with the neonatalogist and tour the NICU and do all that. Then on the first or second of May, we set the date of the delivery as long as her growth keeps up and she does well. So it seems like a lot, but it is still a lot of waiting in between. And knowing that these appointments are there, kinda looming, makes it feel so much like the home stretch and it makes me antsy to get there. Like taking a long trip, the last 30 miles to home are always the longest of the whole trip because you are so ready to get there. That's how I feel. And a big part of me is excited because I feel like she will make it. But how does one simply sit back and wait? This time of year in Oklahoma can be very active with severe storms and even tornados. When a storm is building up around here, there is a charge in the air that is very easy to feel. Everyone gets agitated and restless. Its not really a calm, yes the air can be quite still and sometimes the birds will become completely silent but it usually doesn't make any humans feel calm. That's what I'm starting to feel deep down, that held breath right before the wind kicks up and downpour lets loose. I know there will be a flurry of activity once she is born. I just hate waiting.