Teri N

It's been a long a 14 months since I have posted a blog here. After we lost Ridley time seemed to stop for me I was stuck in those 17 days, 17 wonderful days, with him.

My family and I have been through a lot. We have fallen apart and picked up the pieces a few times. My little girl still asks if we can go to Heaven to see our baby. I hate that the most, she was denied the brother that she so wanted. That we all wanted, and needed.

I still don't attempt to understand any of this. At this point there is no reason that could give me comfort, or not anger me. I foolishly believed that he would be a part of the lucky ones....I wasn't supposed to even get pregnant, yet I did....that was my reason for believing that he would come home. I prayed every night. I have never prayed so much in my life. I begged God to take me if someone had to die, even as they pulled him from my belly. We did get a miracle, he made it to Children's and we got time to experience the wonder that was him.

I have cried just about every day. I was sent to a therapist, put on several medications. It did not help, and I was told to continue them until told other wise....they made me a zombie, and I just felt a numb emptiness....then I seen a grief councilor, and I began to realize that I didn't need the medications, I just needed time....I was in a hurry to 'get better.' River and Raylen, my older 2 need me, my husband needs me....so I tried to rush healing my shattered heart. You can't do that. I can't anyway. I needed, and still need time. I have been off of them for 2 months....I have been more like myself, although, I have days where I force myself out of bed....but everyday I find that my husband and kids, are my strength, they push and pull my forward. Even if I drag my feet. Just today we made a flower bed together, we took a piece of ground that was nothing but grass, and turned it into something beautiful

I have realized that now I must look for all the small things, the beauty, even if it's hard to find. I have to enjoy the feeling of the sun on my face, the wind blowing across my skin, all of it....not just for me, but for my son who never got to experience these wonders that the Lord created for us on this earth.

I am by no means restored to my former self, I am still broken. I don't think I will ever be whole again, how can you when so much of your heart, your being was taken from you? I am however learning to live this new reality, with the love of my husband, my babies, and the Grace of God....

I miss you, my Sweet Boy. I will love you forever and Always.....you took a piece of my heart with you, My Son......