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CarlyD

Feeling Down Today

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Hi Everyone, I've been feeling pretty crappy all afternoon/night.. and the only thing I can think of that will make me feel better is to write it out, regardless what people may think of me after i say what i need to say.
I'm angry, depressed, sad, and feel alone.. i'm also a bit jealous. I'm on facebook allot, like allot.. sometimes i think i may have a problem, but anyway. Allot of my friends on there are expecting babies soon, just like me. Except all of their babies are healthy. and I'm jealous.. I don't like feeling that way at all.. I thank god that their babies don't have to go through what mine will in a few short months. I don't understand why I'm feeling like this.. I don't like it. People are also starting to have their baby showers, and setting up their nurseries. Well I'm not, we've decided that we are going to wait until we know that our Jasmine is coming home to set up the nursery and buy things, we've also decided to wait until she is home.. to have a baby shower type party, kind of like a coming home party. But, it upsets me when i see all of these other people doing those things, i wish i was enjoying my babies nursery, getting it all set up and pretty for when she comes home.. I wish I had a baby shower to celebrate my baby. I dont think I could handle doing all of the "normal" baby things and then have her not come home..
It's none of these peoples fault that I've decided to do things the way we are, but I can't help but feel so sad about it. I hate feeling like this, I think about it all the time. I keep thinking about all the what if's..
I've been trying to stay really positive since we found out our baby has CDH, but we only found out 3 or 4 weeks ago, and I'm still going through all the emotions. I'm just finding it really hard to find balance in my emotions, one minute i'm laughing and having a good time with my daughter and husband, and then next i'm thinking about all the crap that is going on and how much our lifes are about to change.
I wanted to be pregnant so bad, I was so excited to find out we were having another baby, Don't get me wrong I'm still very excited to have our baby, and I can't wait to meet her, it'll be one of the best days of my life *one of the hardest* but still one of the very best. I just wish things could have been different, and I keep asking why my baby?.. Everyone keeps telling me I need to be strong, and not stress out.. And i'm finding that impossible.
But anyway, I guess I feel alittle bit better after getting these feelings out.. This weeks is a very quiet week, no appts or anything. Our next ultrasound is next thursday *may 29th* Praying that it goes well and that there are still no signs of hydrops.
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  1. AlexisK's Avatar
    this is completely normal. I use to be in the same situation of feeling jealous of everyone being so happy about their babies & I was just wanting mine to be ok. But now that my baby is 7 weeks & though my pregnancy or birth wasn't "normal" Im just glad my son is doing well right now. This has been the longest 7 weeks of my life but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Ive grown so much as a person, as a woman & most of all as a mother. So go ahead & feel how You feel but pick Yourself up & be strong. Prayer works