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TashaS

Time does heal all wounds.

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I'm not saying that it's all better because it's not. I don't think I will ever be completely over her death, I just think that it's starting to scar. I don't find myself crying as often. I have memories that are fond of her. I remember her wiggling in my tummy. I remember her getting all crazy when I drank orange juice. The way she bonded with my son even before she was outside of my body.
I just got her medical charts back and I'm puzzled. When the doctor came into my room that night she said, "Her potassium is at 8 and her heart is going to fail her. You need to make a decision now." Her dad wasn't even there yet, but I chose to do what needed to be done. I let her go. From the medical records that I have, her potassium was actually at 6.5 and the test was hemolyzed. I cannot fault myself for listening to medical professionals whom I thought knew it all.
I called the hospital yesterday and asked to have a doctor call me. I want answers. I know that nothing I find out will ever bring my baby back, but someone can answer for what happened. I traveled 4 hours from home, lived in a hospital for a month and had my baby at what I thought was the best hospital for CDH.
Don't get me wrong here, I am a bereaved mother. I am mad most of the time. I could be wrong, hell, they could've been wrong. I know she was sick and she probably wouldn't have made it anyway... but who am I to say she wouldn't have? I don't know what to do or say about it, except wait for the day that those doctors actually call me.

Wow, that veered off the topic, huh? But yeah, I'm getting better. Even this news and I'm still getting better. What keeps me going is the thought that she is wayyyyyyyy better off than I am. She will never have to experience pain. She won't have to get shots and have surgery. She won't have her heart broken by some stupid boy when she's a teenager. Where ever she is, she is happy & that makes me 100% certain that I made the best decision that a mother could make for her sickly baby.

I love you Luna Lynn. Your Daddy loves you too. He's having a hard time right now & if you could just let him know that you are okay, that would be swell.

<3

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