Liam Joseph Hawkins

Most everyone starts making plans for their future at a young age. Some may dream of becoming a doctor or a police officer or even joining the military. For some, those plans may have changed as the years went by and time passed. In my case, I grew up with a baby on my hip. Weather it was my sister or a new cousin. I believe being a mommy was something I was meant to do.
After years of fighting infertility, my dream was going to come true. My husband and I knew that all those moments we wanted to share in becoming a family were about to happen. The ultrasounds, finding out the gender, picking out a name and decorating a nursery.
At our 20 week ultrasound my OBGYN noticed a problem with our little Liam's heart. About 2 weeks later we were sitting in a specialist's office hearing those horrible words for the first time, Continental Diaphragmatic Hernia. This is when time started to speed up. A doctor appointment every week, spending tons of time on the Internet researching .
An MRI revealed more bad news. Doctors said our son only had about 20 % lung growth. Basically, the odds were against our little growing family .
Even with all the bed news, we still had hope. Hope that God had different plans for Liam. Hope that doctors were wrong.
It was a Tuesday morning and I had just passed my 28 week mark. Something didn't feel right. With Liam's CDH diagnosis we never thought anything else could go wrong, but something else did. My water broke. All I could think was, he's not ready. It's too early. He doesn't have what he needs to survive.
One of the biggest things a CDH baby needs is an ECMO machine. The closest ECMO hospital was over a hour drive away. Due to this, I had to be care flighted from the local hospital.
I spent the night in L&D where they gave me steroid shots in hopes of helping Liam's lungs. After doctors were sure I was not in active labor they sent me to my room. In this room, I would stay until my son entered this world.
I spent 6 weeks in that hospital bed. For the first two weeks I wasn't even allowed to get up to go pee. After that, they slowly allowed me to do more. Getting out of bed for that 15 minute wheelchair ride was something I desperately looked forward to every day. Every morning, my husband would get up, make sure I had everything I needed for the day, and make that hour drive to work. When his work day was done, he would make the hour drive back to the hospital to make sure our little family was being taken care of.
Sundays would always be the day my husband would make the long drive home to check on things. One particular Sunday was different. I hadn't slept well the night before, so I had him wait a little later in the day to drive home so I could take a nap while he was gone. He kissed me bye, and was getting ready to walk out the door, when all of the sudden this big gush came out of me. Blood was everywhere. Nurses were in and out of the room getting things cleaned up and checking on our baby. The monitor really didn't show much going on. When the second gush came, we all knew Liam was coming today.
I was wheeled over to L&D where I found out I was already dilated to a 6,and at this point I was prepped for surgery. Liam came into the world without a sound at 3 :48 p.m. on January 24th 2015. A few minutes had went by and I knew something was wrong. CDH babies need to go to the NICU right away. They have to be intubated. I could hear the doctors talking and no one would tell me what was taking so long. My heart was racing. After what seemed like forever passed I finally saw them wheeling my baby out the door. I was later informed the doctors were about to give up on trying to intubate my son and that doctors didn't believe my son would live longer then 15 minutes .
The 2 hour wait in recovery was way too long. Luckily, my husband sent me pictures and kept my updated on what was going on in the NICU.
They wheeled me down to the NICU on my bed. The halls seemed so quiet and empty. I still remember the sound of the machines in Liam's room and the way it felt seeing my little boy laying on that little bed covered in tubes. This couldn't be real. This was not how I dreamed this day would go. Why am I in this room? Why am I not showing my family the new addition to our family?
Nurses and doctors were running in and out while I just watched this machine do all the breathing for my baby. They weren't really telling me much. I guess they were trying not to worry me. My husband was trying his best to tell me every detail he could remember. They said I had to leave so they could do another x ray, but a few minutes later they came back and said there was no point. At that moment I was asked if I wanted to hold my son. With those words I knew doctors felt there was no hope for my baby. So I held my son for the first and last time in that room, in that hospital bed. I looked at this little boy that resembled so much of his daddy. I wanted so desperately to do something. Something that would make it where he could stay with me.
Family was allowed to come in and spend some time with Liam. Liam was baptized. Pictures were taken, and lots and lots of I love yous were shared. When the time had came they unhooked Liam from all those tubes that had been keeping him alive. That helpless feeling consumed me.
I hardly remember the ride up to the room I would spend my last couple days at the hospital in. All I did was stare at my son. When we arrived it the room the nurse kept checking Liam's heart rate. 20 minutes after watching the nurses unhook my son I watched him grow his wings in his daddy's arms. At that moment a piece of me left this world. A piece of me I will never get back. Liam lived exactly 7 hours.
I spent 2 more days in that hospital. I didn't know how I was going to live. I didn't know how I was going to go home without my baby. I wanted to give up. Things were so dark in the beginning. Planning a funeral. Going home to what felt like nothing.
Two years have passed, and I still miss him all the same. I still struggle getting out of bed some mornings. I still have alot of questions that im sure will never be answered. We still struggle with infertility. The thought have having another baby born with CDH scares me but we still have hope and we pray God will let Liam pick out the best sibling to send our way. How ever that may be.
Some good came from all this sadness. Liam helped his parents find God. There is no way I would be surviving without God. We have met some incredible people that have had their life turned upside down due to CDH. Even though we do not walk the same path I hold them and their children very close to my heart.
So every night, when I lay down to go to sleep I send my Angel in the sky kisses and I wait for the day I can hold him in my arms again.

Mommy and daddy love you Liam.