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Danielle Howard

Sienna Marie Howard 12/15/2011

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Quote Originally Posted by Danielle Howard View Post
Sienna was my second child, she had a left sided hernia with stomach and part of the liver up in her chest cavity that was able to be seen on an ultrasound at 20 weeks. This is our story, one in which i hope helps others as other's stories on here has helped me realize that i am not alone.

We found out we were pregnant in August, I'm very sensitive and one that just has to look at my husband to get pregnant so we knew right away. I was dealing with kidney stones a week prior to getting pregnant which i'm not sure if any of that played a role in this. During the time that they say the diaphragm closes between 7-10 weeks, i was on a couple different drugs (ones that my dr's assured me were fine taking while being pregnant ) and also had twilight surgery to remove the stent they put in from the stone that was blocking my urine and causing kidney damage. We did not have the first trimester screening, one i'm kicking myself for now because maybe we would have found out about all of this earlier. The pregnancy went along perfect. No bleeding, all the usual complaints, being sick, getting acne....i knew right from the start it was a little girl. The few things looking back now that i notice is that her heartbeat was always difficult to either find or keep on our doppler. She always seemed to dodge it. With her heart being over the whole way to the right now, i can see why you would have a hard time getting it on the doppler. We went in for the 20 week ultrasound. I started to get nervous about an hour before the ultrasound thinking of all the things that i wasn't thinking about the whole pregnancy....what if she wasn't ok. My husband was so excited the whole day along with our 4 year old perfect little boy. He kept telling me i was ruining it because i kept saying i was worried. We got in there and she kept taking so many pictures, pictures i know they didn't take when our little boy Jake had his ultrasound. Detailed pictures, ones which now i wish i would have asked to have a copy of. After everything was done, she left the room then came back to tell us the bad news. I'm in respiratory at a hospital and am very educated when it comes to medical things so when I didn't know a thing about what the baby had, i was shocked. Then the tears hit...i lost it in front of my 4 year old who was so confused. The tech didn't even tell us the sex of the baby...to confirm what i already knew. My entire family was waiting for us at my grandparents house to hear what it was....and as i walked in i lost it again when i had to tell them we didn't find out for sure because there's something wrong with the baby. I then hit the internet which only made things worse as i found out more of what CDH was. I also have a friend who works in the NICU and she also knew what it was and told me the truth about what was going to happen on Monday at the genetics office. After that appt and speaking with 3 different doctors and 2 ultrasound techs, they all said the same thing. It was bad and she was in the lowest percentile to survive. We were then given our options. I saw my husband cry for the first time in 10 years that day, which actually made me stop crying to be strong for him. It was terrible. We made the decision to medically terminate the pregnancy at 20 weeks. Two days after the genetics appt, we went in to have the dilators placed in which was traumatic in itself. They sent me home for 24 hours. Those 24 hours of feeling her kicking and talking to her were the worst as i felt like i was saying goodbye everytime i touched my belly. We went in the next day for the D&E. Laying in pre-op I started to feel Sienna turn. She had been breech the whole time and although i always felt her acrobats in my bladder my husband never could. But after she turned she continued kicking and you could finally feel her above my belly button. Moments before they took her from us, my husband finally got to feel his baby girl kick for the first time. I went under and woke up without my baby girl. The hospital baptised her for us and gave us a memory box to keep for her. We had a funeral home go and get her to cremate her and picked out a beautiful urn for her that is hugged by an angel. She is at our home now and will be set in my grandmother's mausoleum drawer as soon as her name plate is ready. These past 4 weeks have been horrible. No one knows what to say to us. My husband has been my rock through everything. No matter when i cried, how hard i cried, he just knew to come over put his arm around me and sit there with me and let me cry. I wouldn't have made it without him or my little boy. My sweet Jake just somehow always knew to come over and could make me feel better with just one of his smiles. He prays to his little sister every night ever since we told him she went with the angels up to heaven. My little boy Jake and my husband are the reason I make it through each and every day, I know they need me to make it. And that's how i deal with all of this one day at a time.

I'm so thankful for a site like this. People have started to slowly fade away as more time passes, so it's nice to know that there are other people out there who know that time doesn't really help this. I had a very hard time dealing with all of this with my religion as i am catholic. I kept rethinking my decision. But then i had a friend tell me that God does not punish those who sacrifice themselves out of love and that I loved my baby Sienna so much that even though I knew it would kill me inside, I set her free.
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  1. MariaFarnsworth's Avatar
    Reading your reads brings so many emotions as having to watch our daughter & son in-law make such difficult decisions for their precious son, Liam who was born with CDH that was undiagnosed until he was delivered. He persevered for 34 days and endured more than any infant should ever have to. He fought the good fight and is stronger than any one of us in his family.

    My heart goes out to you & all the families who have had to make such difficult life decisions.

    Angels are hand picked and we are not privvy to God's plan.

    May you all find comfort, peace & solace and may God surround you with his loving arms.

    Blessings,

    Maria (Nonna to Cherub Angel Liam Anthony Hunt & his Bid Brother, Landon)