Moments
by
, 02-25-2013 at 02:29 PM (3849 Views)
I go to the doctor again tomorrow. Its just the ultrasound specialist and I doubt it will take very long, there's not much new they can tell us. I am still kinda going back and forth on the second opinion thing. I really don't know what to do about it. I was told that doing a fetal MRI won't do any good and won't tell them anything more. But if its a better scan, why won't it give more detail? Does it make a difference? Who should I even ask about this since no doctor in Oklahoma will do a fetal MRI? Are there other scans or tests we should be doing now before she's born to be better equipped to help her after she is born? These are questions I have not received an answer to and don't even know where to look or who to ask about it now. I've had a couple bad days lately. I find myself being more prone to a pessimistic attitude now than before we saw the heart doctor. I don't like feeling so down about it. I feel very torn. We shared a moment on Friday that gave me hope for awhile, but its so hard to hold on to for long. I had a rough week last week with a lot of stress and worry about life in general, not just her. But when Friday rolled around I felt a little better just because it was Friday. I decided to take a bath to ease some of my achiness. While sitting in the tub I thought a lot about what had been going on with her diagnoses and all the feelings I'd been experiencing because of it. I had one hand on my tummy when I told her that she needed to grow big and strong right now so she would have the strength to prove all those doctors wrong. I remember I said "Please grow big and strong for me" and then had to stop so I wouldn't choke up. But I left my hand there and I felt her push her little hand or foot up against it. She just held it there almost in a gesture of reassurance. And we sat there touching like this for only about a minute. But to me it felt like the world. She is still very active and even feels a bit feisty, which I love. But I still find it so hard to reconcile these small things to the outlook the doctors seem to see. What if she really doesn't make it. What will these moments mean then? How much more will it hurt to have had these moments and feel optimistic at all if the worst happens? How does one cope? My husband and I love kids. I've always wanted a large family and after having our own, we had planned on even adopting. I work with kids every day, he coaches, to us there is nothing worse in the world than losing a child. So how are we supposed to deal with this? My current prayer is just that she will be very close to 2lbs. when we go tomorrow. She needs to get bigger.