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  1. the aftermath of news

    Today went blessedly fast. I am such an odd place.
    The best I can explain is that I have given Anya up to God. I haven't given up on her, but I no longer worry if she will die, even though I don't want her to. If she has a chance at life, if Dr. Kays thinks she has a chance at life, we will give her that chance. If not we will lovingly let her go.
    I am excited about the consult at Shands but full of forboding about it as well. I am worried that we will decide to go down there and we ...
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  2. Feelings of Peace

    It has been almost 2 weeks since we put Sienna in her mausoleum drawer. it was an extremely emotionally difficult day but with it has come unexpected peace in my heart. I know she is where she needs to be and I'm surprised at how I am doing. I actually feel good. They allowed me to place her in the crypt instead of taking her from me. Usually they don't allow family members back there while they are sealing up the crypt, but they allowed me and my husband to lay her in there and place the letters ...
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  3. Don't know what to do with all of this destructive energy.

    It has been a month since Anya was diagnosed, and I have about 4 months to go of the pregnancy. I am so tired, not really physically, I was able to take a walk today and felt good- but just emotionally. At work today at one point I just felt very dull, going through the motions, not the worst I have felt since this all started but like I just didn't, couldn't care anymore about anything. Tomorrow is the MRI, then the next the echo and dicussion of results. Every other time I have gone for an appointment ...
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  4. Did I hear that right?

    Today was a day like no other. The morning routine was the same as always. Axel was running around on the floor while Jando slept in late. I was watching an espisode of 16 & Pregnant when Axel made his way towards me. He stands up leans in his head and lays it on my knee and says "MOM, MOM!" I looked down and was taken aback. This little red headed boy that had been only saying "DADA" for the passed few months finally said "MOM." I was so happy I looked up ready ...
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  5. A Thousand Years

    Heart beats fast
    Colors and promises
    How to be brave
    How can i love
    when i'm afraid to fall
    but watching you stand alone
    all of my doubt
    suddenly goes away somehow
    one step closer

    i have died everyday waiting for you
    darling, don't be afraid i have loved you
    for a thousand years
    i'll love you for a thousand more

    time stands still
    beauty in all she is
    i will be brave
    i will not let anything
    ...
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