Dawn Torrence Ireland

I'm a single woman, dating a great guy for 6 months now. I've been divorced for almost 6 years, with a couple of relationships since. No, this is a dating post, it's a grief post. Having a weird day so I decided to just type it out.

Most of you don't know that in February I began to date a really great guy named Charles. He was a police officer in Durham and we had 2 dates. He didn't show for our 3rd date and I found out from the local tv news that he was killed on duty the night before in a car accident. We only had 2 dates but it really hit me hard. Ironically, I had planned to break it off and be just friends because I couldn't deal with his dangerous job and the fear of losing someone else in my life. He was a great guy, single dad, volunteered to coach little league, worked extra shifts often, very active in his church. Just a great guy and the world really lost a good man. I've made peace with it, I think I understand why God us in each other's lives. I was able to tell his family so many things that he said about them but never took the time to tell them himself. Like how proud he was of his mom, and how much he respected his sister - all the things we should tell our loved ones all the time but we just take it for granted that we have tomorrow, but things you say to someone when you just meet them and how you sum up your life during conversations on those first few dates. We were meant to meet and be friends, I truly believe that.

This last week I can't get Charles out of my head. It's like I'm grieving for someone but at the same time I'm distanced, if that makes sense. I know how to grieve for my son, my sister, my grandfather. I don't know how to grieve for a friend. It's almost the same as how I feel when one of the cherubs passes away - I'm sad, I cry for the parents. Almost like I'm crying for Charles' mom more so than for him. I know he's ok, I know she's not.

Today is Lise's daughter's birthday, I know she's hurting. I just want to fix it for her. So many other moms are having a hard time right now and I want to fix it for them. 14 years of dealing with CDH and watching my friends grieve their cherubs and to this day, even after grieving my own cherub, I don't know what to say or how to make it hurt less.

I just wish I could figure out why Charles is so heavy on my heart this week though. It's definitely a different kind of grief.