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juliedobbs

Complications

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This is very difficult to write. To the ones who are reading this, I must say that its not going to be easy to hear and as I write this my heart is saddened and grieving.
For the past 4 days Bryson has been doing so well. His numbers were fantastic. He was almost on room air, which the lowest he got down to was 31%, and he was almost completely off of the nitric gas. His o2 saturation was in the high 90's and just soared through the last few days. Jason and I were knocking on wood because we were just hoping that it continued and praying that the shoe wouldn't drop.
Two nights ago the nurses told me that today he would be able to be moved into his own private room, because he was doing so well and he was " graduating." He was doing so good and progressing along that he was finally able to be moved. I got his blanket and booties and outfit ready and laid it in the designated room that he was going to be in. I put his name on the tags of the blanket and clothes and was so excited because this just meant that we were one step closer. They even said that if things continued the way they were and he was " stable", that I would be able to hold him sometime this week. I was overjoyed at this and I was so happy. Its been 4 weeks and I still haven't been able to hold my baby and the nurses know this. For them to say this was a huge big deal and I was definitely going to hold on to this. I was finally going to be able to love on him and hold him in my arms. But, then things turned...We came in this a.m. hoping to have a great day and experience something that we had only dreamed of. Even the little things of moving him into his own room was something so major to us that it even brought us more happiness than anything. But, he wasn't looking good. He tested positive for graham negative. It is a blood infection and a very lethal bacteria infection. We aren't sure all the details but we know that they started him on antibiotics this a.m and had to start an IV in his head. He is now the sickest baby in the nicu and every minute is crucial. I sit there and watch the clock and watch his numbers. He is at 100% oxygen right now and his numbers are ok. His blood pressure dropped so low this a.m but now is better. The nurses said that this is very serious and have seen babies that are this bad not make it. They did say that the fact that he is responding to the medicines is a good thing because they would see nothing changing with his numbers. His little body is very swollen and he doesn't even look like the same baby.
I am trying to stay calm through this but honestly seeing him this sick is breaking my heart. The poking and prodding and the medicines and all of the tubes is just getting somewhat overwhelming. I want him better. I was ready to hold him. I don't want to hold him when he is dying. I am praying that he can fight through this. He has been through so much and I wonder if its getting to the point where his litttle body is saying " enough is enough." and just telling us that he can't do it anymore. As his mom I have to prepare myself for what might be the inevitable. I am not doom and gloom and for my friends and family who are keeping close reading this you know that I am believing for a divine intervention and miracle as much as the next person. But, I am torn. I dont want him to suffer, and seeing him this way is incredibly hard. I am depleted emotionally and I can only hold on to the strength of my God because I can't do it on my own. God has provided him with wonderful doctors and nurses that love him like their own. I am not giving up, but only asking the Lord for a double dose of strength to help me through this. I sleep, eat, and walk and drink this hospital. I wake up thinking of that baby and lay my head down thinking of this baby. I am pumping to provide milk for that baby because I know its the best for him. It pains me to think that I might not be able to give it to him, that perhaps that is what might happen. But I am still pumping every 3 hours because I am not giving up. I am not a quitter, and neither is that baby that is laying in that room. No little one should have to go through this much and I don't have any answers. I just can only say that I trust that God knows what He is doing. I might have to go through the valley to get to the mountain top and it might take us longer to get there but if I get there and when I get there it will be spectacular.
Thank you for believing with us.
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Comments

  1. JadeHunt's Avatar
    Jules,

    My heart is so heavy and empathetic for you. I know this journey all too well. Pray! Pray, Pray, Pray! Talk to God and talk to Bryson! Bryson will tell you what he wants and needs! He has proven his great strength, courage, perseverance and love for his family! You are watching out for him, but remember that he is also watching out for you!

    My heart, thoughts, and endless prayers are with you! I know you can't see me, but my arms are reaching out for you! I love you, Girl!

    Love,
    Jade
  2. MariaFarnsworth's Avatar
    Endless amounts of prayers & positive thoughts to Bryson.

    Holding you strong, Julie ~ Always

    Look to the Lord ~ we are not privvy to his plan; but he knows.

    In Strength, Courage & Compassion,

    Maria (Liam & Landon's Nonna)
  3. DebbieTharp's Avatar
    Julie as I read your post today it reminds me of what we went through with our Rebecca. Cling to the Lord I am praying that little Bryson fight this!!! I pray that God puts the right doctors on schedule today, I pray that those dr. got good rest and have a clear mind to make wise descisions. Don't lose hope, these set backs just give God more glory when they are overcome!

    -Debbie