JadeHunt

My Dearest Liam,

I really don't know how to articulate how much I miss you! There are days when life seems more bareable, but nothing is easy. The day you passed was the worst day of my life- and I know the worst day of Daddy's and Landon's too. I remember every detail of that day and each detail hanuts me. The most haunting memory is when I called your Nonna and Grandpa to tell them to come to Boston quickly because you weren't going to make it. The sound of Nonna's voice haunts me in my dreams. I should have never had to make that call. I should have never had to call Daddy either. I don't think I'll ever know why God called you Home so quickly. It was like I got a glimpse of Heaven and just as I walked through its gates, God said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in." The thing about God is that He doesn't have to tell us why He does what He does. He doesn't do things our way or in our time, but one of the beautiful things about God is that He waits for us. He waits when we are mad at Him. I will always be mad at Him for taking you from us, but He knows that I'm mad and He understands why. The thought of being without you every day for the rest of my life is excruciating, but I have to remember that you are in a glorious place. You are safe, healthy, happy and thriving now. That is a great gift. I wish you could have been granted that gift in this life, here with us. I wish I could have saved you, Peanut! I would give my life to have you back- I would give my life for anything you or your brothers ever needed! ANYTHING! There are things that are out of our control- things that we wish we had control of and this is one of them. I clutch your blankie and lion and I wrap Oakley in your blankie so he can feel your love. Landon often "steals" your blankie and lion so that he can snuggle it for himself. I know that Oakley and Landon feel your love every day! For the last several days or weeks (I've lost track), it has rained and thunder-stormed. Each sound of thunder reminds us of you and Landon says, "There's Liam! Roaring again!" Landon used to be so afraid of thunder and when you passed away we told Landon that the thunder is you, roaring in Heaven. Now, he loves thunder and isn't afraid. He knows it's his Angel Brother saying "Hello." Yesterday it stormed like crazy and Landon said, "Mom, there's Liam! He's saying he ok up there!" And after another sound of thunder he said, "And now he says he loves us!" Your brothers give me beautiful gifts in so many ways , and when I look at them, I see you. You all look so much alike, yet your personalities are so different. Landon is the easy going one- like your Daddy. Oakley is very hot and cold. He has moments where he is fussy, fussy, and then is happy and smiley for hours on end. You, My Little Man, are like your mother... a stubborn bull who fights through and pushes through. We could see how finicky you were when your diaper was wet or you didn't like your position because your blood pressure would sky-rocket. You are your mother, though and through, Li Li!

I love you, Liam Anthony! And I miss you more than I can describe. My heart aches for you and my arms long to hold you again. I know I will someday. And I know that until that day, you are safe in God's arms!

God Bless You, Li Li!
All My Love,
Momma