Robinson-Derrick, Wesley Alexander

[left:f9e2c482f6]http://www.cherubs-cdh.org/Album/new/Robinson-Derrick-Wesley.jpg[/left:f9e2c482f6]This is one of the hardest things I have ever done - It is the first time I have ever wrote about the shocking death of my baby, Alexander Robinson-Derrick.

My pregnancy was high-risk due to my age. I was 41 at the time, my blood pressure, and my Raynaud's Disease. I had an amniocentesis, ultrasound and all the other tests done for high-risk pregnancies. Genetic testing was negative. What I do consider detrimental to my pregnancy was the amount of stress I was under - I had way too much to deal with plus working long hours - I am an LPN.

I went into labor at 30weeks.I knew, plus my sisters, that something was wrong. The resident on duty at The Medical College of GA, in Augusta, GA, did not take my concerns seriously. I wanted a C-section. She thought I wanted it because of my low pain tolerance. Even the intern stated he also knew something was wrong despite everything to the contrary. After a 22 hour labor, I went from 1cm to 10cm and he was born in the bed. I never got the epidural!

He was cyanotic and barely moving. My first words were "Is he alive?". As long as I live I will never forget the stupid words that doctor said - she held him up and said "he's still in the vortex". Everybody looked at her with shock on their faces. Alex was whisked away. To this day I still don't understand my reaction- I was in cold shock. I did not feel anything.

My step-daughter, Tammy, was the first to tell me what was wrong- he had CDH. His neonatologist came and discussed everything. His apgars were 1 and 4.He had attempted several times before successfully intubating him. He would be on full life support and after stabilizing him he would have surgery. He was so pretty. He had red hair and I was told deep blue eyes. He held on until Monday evening when his blood pressure dropped to 14/0.As a last ditch effort he was put on ECMO.

The next day Alex suffered a massive cranial bleed and I consented to him being taken off life support. Alex died in my arms at 15:27, October 1, 1991.I was hysterical. Alex was hanging on with everything he had because he knew my heart was shattering. I told him it was alright and not to be afraid because 2 members of his family were with him. He then did something everybody said they had never seen before- one tear fell from his left eye and he went to be an angel. My memories are in bits and pieces. I was told it is the only way I can handle it.

His doctors wanted a full autopsy but I refused. Later I remembered his thoracic doctor wanted an autopsy because there was too much wrong with him and he wanted to know why it had not been caught. All of my ultrasounds and other tests have been "lost". The resident's notes were late entries and that is highly indicative she was being told what to chart by an attending physician. Her notes and the nurses' notes are not compatible. The nurses' notes are very thorough and they have charted as I remembered it. The hospital was very reluctant to let me read my chart. Risk management knew I was a nurse.

I still firmly believe Alex would have stood a better chance to live if I had had a C-section. Instead when he was born his intestines came up and displaced his heart and lung. His left lung was almost torn off because of the impact of his birth. The doctors described it as a sudden force. This is so hard. If I had it to do over I wish I had took our charts with me when I went back for my 6-week check-up. When I reviewed our charts later, oh I could not believe what all had been removed.

My Alex was buried on a beautiful fall day. He had a little 2 piece white outfit on, trimmed with blue satin stars and moons. He had on his bonnet with blue satin ribbons and booties with kitty cats. That morning was the hardest of my life. I was standing with him in my arms when the funeral directors said they had to prepare him to take to the cemetery. I was crying quietly. I wrapped him in his satin baby quilt with little mice on it. It was the first thing I bought for him.

After I tucked him in and sang to him, I was almost on the verge of collapse. It is beyond a shadow of a doubt my darkest hour. I knew it would be the last time I would ever see him - my sweet and pretty baby.

It's been so hard. As I write this, the pain is tearing me apart. Nobody ever speaks of him. It's as if he never existed and it hurts so bad. I called his father to ask him to put flowers on his grave for Easter. His current wife acted unbelievable. He has 3 brothers, a sister, a father, and none of them, including my son, can spare 5 minutes to go decorate his grave. I visited his grave every day until I moved to Texas after my divorce. My ex's comment was he didn't know if he had any flowers or not.

God bless each and every one who belong to this. I have been alone in my grief. You never get over it, you just learn to hit it instead. I have been shocked at some of the comments made to me. I have been asked why I grieve so deeply over someone with no memories. I tell them if you have to ask then you have never lost a child. It's an eye-opener. I'm grateful that I found this site.

Dedicated to Wesley Alexander Robinson-Derrick- until I see you again. I love and miss you with all my heart. Love, Mommy. xxx.



Written by Alex's mom, Catherine Derrick (Texas)
1999